Top Tips from a Life Coach for Teens// with Nicole Nepa

[00:00:00] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Hi, everyone! This is Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them, a show to help busy, mindful, growth-oriented moms stay informed and inspired as they navigate their daughter's tween and teen years with most episodes running 20 minutes or less. I'm your host Carmelita Tiu, join me each week as I talk to experts, moms who've been there, and read a curated selection of articles with the author's permission of course.

[00:00:24] My guest this week is Nicole Nepa. Nicole is a mom of three and educator, encourager, and a leader. She's a certified life coach and holds a BA in Psychology and an MS in mental health and school counseling. When I first met Nicole, I was intrigued by her 25 plus year history of coaching in a variety of settings.

[00:00:49] She started coaching girls gymnastics when she was just 13 and continued to coach for many years. She also became a school counselor for teens and a director of a homeschooling community before transitioning into her coaching practice, which includes support for teens. With her vast experience dealing with tween and teen girls, I figured she'd have some good bits of info to share. Here's our chat

[00:01:17] So, Nicole, I would love for you to tell us a little about yourself and how and why you became a coach. 

[00:01:23] Nicole Nepa: It feels like. It was always supposed to happen, but there was a long path to get there. I come from a tiny mountain town in Colorado called Gunnison. I was born and raised there and my family was really, really close.

[00:01:39] I had some friends growing up, but they weren't ever lifelong friends, which is interesting. Cause I grew up with the same people I went to preschool with I graduated high school. Yeah, there was some that came in and out of course but there was definitely quite a few that I've known since preschool. I didn't ever really fit in.

[00:02:03] I was always kind of the observer. I always kind of stood on the outside, but I was able to see, I was able to see people in a way that most people don't, I think. I didn't realize this was my gift until way later on in life. 

[00:02:18] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I can totally relate to–not, kind of fitting in, but not having your click and how that does afford you some different perspectives and insights that if you're really entrenched in one group of friends, you might not have.

[00:02:36] So that's cool that you mentioned. 

[00:02:39] Nicole Nepa: Yeah, it's true. Although I didn't really have a click and I didn't belong anywhere. I kind of belonged everywhere. By the middle of high school. I finally had a pretty good crew of friends. Most of them were guys. I struggled with girls. I struggled with the cattiness, I struggled with the shame and it wasn't until I had kids, I think.

[00:03:04] That I finally had girlfriends, mom friends, and then I got my counseling degree. I got my psychology degree by the time I was 30, then I went right into my master's for school counseling. And I really thought that's where I was going to be for life, the high school and middle school with teens helping them.

[00:03:25] With their mental health, other life factors kind of took over. And then I was self-directing a homeschool community, which involved a whole lot of coaching of moms and teens and kids. And then, yeah, easing right into life coaching. 

[00:03:43] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I love that you kind of attribute not fitting in with a positive attribute, which then carried into your work as a coach, and then eventually a counselor, and then getting your degree and now coaching in a different way. You know, coaching, gymnastics then and coaching people now and their spirits.

[00:04:07] I just think that. I think it's–I have one daughter that as far as I can tell is friends with everyone, but she doesn't have that one best friend that she calls every night. And I sometimes worry that maybe she's seeing that as a negative and we're very close and she's very close with her sister.

[00:04:27] So I, it almost sounds like you where there's connection and support, but I we're all, we all grew up in this world where we have TV shows and books showing relationships of tight friends. And if you don't have that right away, especially those tween and teen years, I can see it potentially being–or your kids seeing themselves, like, maybe there's something wrong with me or maybe I'm missing out on something?

[00:04:56] Nicole Nepa: Yeah. I remember those feelings for sure. Yeah. Having those feelings of why am I, what is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to be–what am I doing that is preventing me from them liking me? You know, although I was a gymnastics coach. I dealt a lot with that kind of stuff with my girls, because it is such a mental sport that if you aren't in your mental, if you aren't in a good mental space, then you get hurt.

[00:05:31] We had to do a lot of reframing. When you're here to practice, you’re here to practice. So learning to let it go is a very important thing.

[00:05:40] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah, that is so important. And I'm not sure I have practical tips to–as to how to tell my kids how to do that. Can you share some insights or what you may have learned or how you helped your gymnast and now your teams, how you help them work through that?

[00:06:02] Nicole Nepa: Yeah, it's a great question. I think I had a built in kind of boundary as a gymnastics coach because I had a physical space. You enter my gym, you leave your crap outside the door. And so you can't say that to your team outside my house, right? This is how we live. We need to be able to share that stuff.

[00:06:31] But I think there is, there is importance in being able to go, all right, we can say it, we can feel it, and now we need to let it go. Okay, because the over overthinking and the over obsession is what really deteriorates the mind and brings on depression. Back in the late 1900s, when we were kids, it's funny to say, we were able to leave our friends and go home and not be constantly bombarded.

[00:07:03] So we really have to help create that space for our kids. Whether they want it or not. I think there's such power in the quiet, you know? I mean, there's been a lot of homeschooling books and education books and things that I've read. And a lot of them point to over-scheduling and being over-involved in their play.

[00:07:33] When they don't have time to think without constant input, they can't form their inner compass for imagination. 

[00:07:43] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Wow and what's funny is I think there's a tendency for parents raising kids right now to make sure their kids are constantly engaged. I know I have had to wean myself off of that desire and kind of talk myself through that where if they aren't–if there's nothing entertaining them or informing them or trying to educate them, then it's somehow negligent.

[00:08:12] Nicole Nepa: Yeah. It's a paradox. It's a paradox of learning, of growing, that you really do need that quiet reflective time in order to really transform your information into learned knowledge.

[00:08:29] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Is that something that when you were coaching and now that you're continuing to work with teams, like, is that something you really encourage with them is making sure they have kind of this uncomfortable, probably, open space. It probably looks like boredom to them. 

[00:08:51] Nicole Nepa: Yes, absolutely. I think, first off, we need to be able to model it as parents. I think we fall into the same traps of being on Facebook. We're never not doing something. I'm just scrolling through Facebook. I'm like, oh my gosh, my kids are watching me. Right.

[00:09:08] Darn it. So I think I need this show, still this–I need to commit myself to that. But yeah, I do. I do encourage that in my kids. I encourage that with, so with gymnastics, we would have quiet time, 15 minutes before we would arrive to a meet space where it was like, we're 15 minutes out, we're turning off the music.

[00:09:31] Everyone was quiet and you need to contemplate. I don't care what you think about. I really don't, but I need you to just be quiet with yourself and then we can get ramped up again and we can go again. Because it also helps conserve energy. You know? 

[00:09:49] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah. I could see that. I can see how any sort of inputs, take up space and, or require a little bit of something.

[00:10:00] I remember thinking that, oh, this back in college, when I was trying to figure out ways to hack my intellect and I'm thinking I'm going to play, you know, this while I'm sleeping. And then feeling less rested and someone saying, you know, your mind is actually still working. If there's noise and things happening that are subconsciously trying to engage.

[00:10:24] And, yeah. Ever since then, it's just been, nope. Nope. Just quiet. 

[00:10:28] Nicole Nepa: Exactly. And even if you don't feel it right, like I have always required like naps in the afternoon and it's not because I'm physically engaged all the time. Which I used to have this like, shame piece around, like you don't, you're not like physical manual labor.

[00:10:46] I don't know why you need a nap. Like that was my shame piece for a long time, but then it was. Oh, my mind is constantly like trying to figure stuff out and I need it to stop. Like I need like a 45 minute, like shhhh. Sleep for a little bit and calm down. 

[00:11:08] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Right right. That's good that you're modeling that, you know, I bet that when your kids see you nap, it normalizes it.

[00:11:15] Right. And they see how it has a positive impact on you. And so that becomes an option for them. Now I'm thinking through the times I've told my daughters when I've stayed up all night. Yeah. You know, get for exams or cram and, um, and, and how I should also make sure to mention naps and, and it's okay to get more sleep, not just less sleep.

[00:11:39] Nicole Nepa: I think that’s such a great point, Cat. I think that on one hand it can be... It can be good for us to tell them how we did things poorly, like staying up all night cramming. Probably not the best option, we do this as a  coping mechanism. Right? I mean, it's definitely a thing, but we don't tell enough, like, hey, I'm also, this is what I'm doing to care for myself.

[00:12:05] I need this time. Like when I was homeschooling full-time, all three boys and my ex-husband wasn't in the picture for awhile. I was 24/7 mom. And I would get to the end of the day. And it was like, all right y'all, I need like an hour in my room without you talking to me and I'm doing this because I love you and I need a break.

[00:12:34] That's all I need. And so I normalize that for them. It wasn't a punishment. It was more like, all right, you guys get free right in the house. Just don't talk to me for an hour. I'm gonna have some popcorn. I'm gonna watch a show and I need you to leave me alone. And it was just so that I could like decompress and they’re like, sweet!

[00:12:53] Doing that, normalizes the fact that A, moms need a break and B, I can also take a break if I need to. She's showing me I can.

[00:13:04] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yes, yes, yes! So I like to kind of leave with a couple of questions. One is, if you had a book to recommend to moms or parents of tween and teen girls, what would it be and why? 

[00:13:21] Nicole Nepa: To be quite honest, all of the works that Brene Brown has just filled me so much with understanding and the wording that I need to help my kids do their stuff.

[00:13:32] Being able to be vulnerable, especially for my boys, where that is just not the norm yet. Being able to say the words and modeling that for them. So her work has really done a lot for me in terms of parenting and leading, leading people. If I could do a book with like a teen girl, that was my own, I would do gifts to them, perhaps Imperfections.

[00:13:59] I think that's such a great book for teens and moms to do together because it's something that I think we struggle with throughout our life. 

[00:14:07] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I have not heard of that book, but I'm excited about it because especially for women, perfectionism is really pervasive. So I think that, that sounds like a good, a good one.

[00:14:19] And, and the, the thing I'd like to end with is a positive affirmation or quote that resonates with you. Something that we can kind of leave on a contemplative and inspired. 

[00:14:33] Nicole Nepa: I love this question. And I got to tell you for a while, I was like, oh my gosh, there's so many, where do I even start? Like digging through my mind and everything.

[00:14:42] And I come and sit in my office and on a whiteboard over here is written for myself and this is just the most perfect. And I think that it resonates with me for my whole life. And I think it's really good for all of us to do is from CS Lewis. It says, be weird, be random, be who you are, because you never know who would have loved the person you hide.

[00:15:12] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Thank you for sharing that. I feel like I don't see very many encouragements to kind of embrace that weird side, the silly side. So I really appreciate this one. It's kind of resonating for anyone. I think that takes on something new or is courageous enough to try something that goes against, whether it's their own version of themselves or what other people expect of them. It just–it's like, do it, do it. So love it. 

[00:15:40] Nicole Nepa: Be weird, be random, be who you are. Cause you never know who would love the person you hide.

[00:15:55] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I love that CS Lewis quote. So here are the key takeaways from today's episode. Number one, not fitting in can be a blessing. It can position you as an observer, who's able to glean different insights and see things from a unique perspective. Number two, teach your daughter how to address negative emotions.

[00:16:16] We can say it, we can feel it and then let it go. Number three, we need to create quiet space for our tweens and teens. When they don't have space to think without constant input, they can't form their inner compass or their imagination. They need quiet time to transform information into knowledge. Number four, point out mistakes you've made so your tween or teen can learn negatively from them, but also point out and explain the positive things you're doing to care for your. Number five, we need to model stillness, quiet, breaks, and rest for our kids. Modeling normalizes behaviors for you and other moms and parents. And it gives your kids permission to do those things for themselves.

[00:17:02] For more information about Nicole, including her coaching programs for teens, visit risingphoenixlifecoaching.com. Follow her on Instagram @risingphoenixllc, or you can find her on Facebook by looking up Rising Phoenix Life Coaching. I hope you found some helpful information in today's episode. I want to applaud you and say how much I appreciate you for taking the time to listen.

[00:17:27] If you're enjoying the podcast, please subscribe or follow, tell a friend and feel free to leave a review in Apple Podcasts. You can also follow @knowberaisethem on Instagram for quotes from wise women, advice, and more, and like our Facebook page, just look up, Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them and you'll find it.

[00:17:47] Again, thank you. And here's to strong women, may we know them, may we be them, and may we raise them.