Puberty Power! Empowering Girls to Navigate Change with Confidence // with Konika Ray Wong

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:00:00

I think if everyone sits with an attitude of gratitude that our bodies are healthy, that puberty is a privilege. Aging, maturing, our bodies growing. It's a privilege, and that if our bodies are doing what they are meant to be doing, then we're grateful

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Hi, everyone. And welcome to know them. Be them, raise them a show to help busy, mindful growth oriented moms stay informed and inspired as they navigate their daughters, tween and teen years. I'm your host Carmelita to join me on the regular four episodes about everything under the sun that might matter to moms like us. In today's episode. I chat with Konika Ray Wong. She is a science teacher and a mom on a mission to flip puberty positive. How amazing is that? She founded girl power science with her daughter during the pandemic, when it was obvious, the world needed more girl power and science education. For over two decades Konika has been a kindergarten through sixth grade educator. She has a master's in education and California teaching credential from the university of San Francisco and bachelor of science in biology from Virginia Polytechnic university. She's also a common sense media certified educator, which if you're like me, you check out common sense pretty often when you're trying to tell if a book or a movie is appropriate. And She's passionate about body literacy, de-stigmatizing puberty and building communities of empowered learners that confidently celebrate growth. She recently published her first children's book "One in a Million, a First Book About Periods." This empowering book, which is a guided story for kids ages four and up to read with a grown-up is a first step towards helping every little girl feel strong and confident in her body and every child with a uterus celebrate their superpowers. In "One in a Million" children meet a cute uterus character that takes them on a journey that demystifies the process of ovulation and the menstrual cycle. The kid friendly characters and simple, scientifically accurate text set a positive tone about periods without shame or stigma. Here is our amazing conversation. It's quick. It's fun. And I hope you feel as inspired as I did after listening to it.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:02:29

Welcome Konika. I am so excited to have you here today. I think the work that you're doing is super important as a mom of two girls and, you know, knowing their friends, knowing the spaces that they navigate. Uh, this topic is just so timeless and I'm, I'm glad that you're here today to share a little bit with us.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:02:49

Thanks for having me. My pleasure.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:02:51

So, why don't we kick things off with you telling us a little bit about yourself and what led you to write your recent book.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:02:58

Yes, so I'm a science teacher and a mom. I've been teaching science to elementary kids, kindergarten through fourth grade for two decades. So really long time. And, I am really passionate about flipping puberty positive because my experience was just so negative. And then, you know, when I began teaching my own students, um, I passionately wanted it to be different for them. And the more I dived in, it was very healing for me as well. Supporting kids and parents around, you know, flipping this narrative positive, has really just. Raise my confidence along in the journey.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:03:37

Mm. Something that came up as you were sharing, this was a very recent conversation I had with a colleague who kind of shared with me almost in an embarrassed way that her daughter Just got her period and how she didn't know what to tell her because she didn't grow up being taught that she wasn't exposed to sort of a healthy way to navigate this situation. So we commiserated and collaborated and I gave her some hopefully helpful tips. But yes, I think this idea of reframing the puberty narrative, as you say is key, and needs such a shift.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:04:12

And as an Asian American, um, the narrative in my head was I just thought it was an Asian thing. And now that I'm really working internationally with different parents, I realize it's universal. So yeah, that has been healing. I.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:04:30

Now, what would you, what would you advise people like as a starting point? How can parents do that? How can we reframe this narrative?

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:04:38

Yeah, so I think probably the first place to start, uh, so many parents approach me and say they feel ill-equipped because they had no education around puberty. Their families didn't talk about it, so in a dream world, I would actually love to replace the word puberty, uh, with something different. Just, you know, language matters and just the word is triggering not only for, you know, the grownups in the room, but the kids, you know, uh, I just say that word and, uh, and there's giggles, there's, you know, flushed faces, embarrassment, shame. So I would love to replace it with celebrate growth. You know, parents say they signed up for this, their child for this puberty workshop. What should they tell them? And just let's first begin by, by replacing it by celebrating growth. The second thing is, let's separate it from sexual maturity. puberty is starting, modern puberty is starting as early as age seven.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:05:45

Mm-hmm.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:05:45

And you know, when we use that old school language that she's becoming a woman, not relevant at age seven, and it can be depressing for both parents to think that their seven year old is becoming quote unquote a woman, and for that child as well. You know, they're enjoying their childhood. And, there are some kids that have gotten really emotional about having to come to one of my puberty workshops and in a beautiful way the parents have broken down and asked them, you know, what is going on and they're not ready to grow up yet. It's as simple as that. Like we've placed this whole um, narrative around what they might be feeling that's more complex, but it's really as simple as they're still children. So I think starting from that place that, this isn't, um, sexual maturity per se. I know the scientific definition, but a lot of things need to change, you know, and those definitions have been around for ages. Um, so I just see it as celebrating growth. And then the second piece is, Coming from a place of having an attitude of gratitude that our bodies are healthy,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:06:54

Hmm.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:06:55

working, you know, in this post pandemic era. I think if everyone sits with that or starts with that, that puberty is a privilege. Aging, maturing, our bodies growing. It's a p a privilege, and that if our bodies are doing what they are meant to be doing, then we're grateful that we are healthy.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:07:17

Yeah. Oh my gosh. There are so many reframes and, uh, perspective shifts in what you just shared that resonated with me. I think first, sort of coming up with a different definition for puberty or having this, vocabulary swap, if you will, to celebrating growth does feel so important. It reminds me a little bit of how. I mean, it's sort of related to how many body positivity. Um, experts and coaches and therapists are trying to help people understand that the word fat shouldn't be loaded with this negative connotation. It's just this non. Good. Not bad. Just a thing. And similarly, you're right, I think puberty has really taken on this negative connotation that makes people feel squeamish and uncomfortable and giggly and awkward, like you said. So really planting these seeds in our kids that it's nothing to be afraid of. It's nothing to, um, tease someone else about or feels shame around. It's really just celebrating growth that feels like a huge. Huge perspective shift that I love. And it's easy, like when your kids say the word puberty and you can sense that there's discomfort around it, helping to sort of say, yeah, I noticed this. Um, curious where this came from. And it's actually a celebration of growth- that feels super powerful and, uh, actionable. So I had to get that out there. Love that.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:08:45

Yes, it's, I mean, I think that that parallel to fat, you know, it's about that neutrality and it's about being really scientific. So, instead of this laundry list where we've put a negative spin on, you know, whether it's pimples or mood swings, um, we can very neutrally describe each of the changes in a way that this is what healthy bodies do. And I have positive spins for every single one of the changes. And I like to start, instead of the old traditional paradigm of mood swings, well it is actually mood swings, but it's a spin on it, which is just the brain remodel, the growth mindset. Um, and you know, just this idea that, you know, our brains, Are shifting in powerful ways. Another replacement word is just a transformation. You're in an exci. You know, I tell them that they are in their bodies are in a very exciting stage of transformation. I also like to normalize it as just one more stage of growth instead of like magnifying this one area, you know, the brain remodel can start as early as age seven and, and it ends at 25. So so I tell them, you know, they've lost teeth and the way their body looked and functioned, has changed, but we celebrated it. Some have the tooth fairy, other people have different traditions, and, and similarly, if we can just make this a smooth path and not all of a sudden emphasize this as this different thing.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:14

Yeah. Yeah. And I also love what you touched on with this connotation that, menstruation means you're a woman. Um, as if, I don't know, the, the implication is that somehow this individual is now ready to be in this space of maturity and, there's a odd unspoken link to being able to get pregnant and childbearing with womanhood. And so, I just kind of love distancing and not using that phraseology, uh, because I've always thought that doesn't sit quite right.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:10:49

Yes. And so many of the cycle tracking apps go right into fertility. Um, you know, to your point, and that's why I wrote the book in the way that I did. Just in teaching my students, I. The narrative that I wanted. So actually, another I guess piece of advice in terms of reframing is it's not one big talk. These are all small planting seeds all along the way. And, it's been really fun to get feedback about the book and so many people say the simplicity really resonates, how short it is. You know, my teaching style as a science teacher and as a parent, you know, I have a daughter that's 12 years old, is to plant those little seeds and then allow their curiosity to guide where we go next. You know, kids are gonna, and humans in general, tune us out at, at a certain point. We all know you get like maybe about three minutes, you know, and, and so just that idea to keep it simple, keep it short. And then, we don't know in terms of in the brain remodel, um, where they are until we allow their questions to come to the forefront. And they're also so, so much more interested when it's their questions getting answered. So it's not one big talk. And ideally, these are teachable moments when, you know, when a child sees a tampon in your purse and maybe they're two or three years old, the tone of our voice, you know, and it can make such a big difference.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:12:10

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's important, to remind moms of that, the ways that we, in those small moments throughout their lives, talk about our periods or don't talk about them, like the, the lack of conversation at all. That in itself says something about this topic, and I, that was kind of a aha moment for me when my girls were littler. I was very used to hiding the tampons and you know, not mentioning when I was having hormonal fluctuations. And then I realized I. What is this sending them? It's telling them that this is taboo. Is it telling them that I'm uncomfortable talking about it and they're learning that they should be uncomfortable talking about it? So yeah, we, we've had a lot of discussions, and even though I've had many discussions, I am excited to introduce them to the reframes that you present in your book and your workshops, cuz it's they sound com super compelling and helpful.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:13:04

Yeah, I recently had a parent say that, her daughter came home after our workshop and she was so excited. Um, there was a family gathering and they asked, what was your workshop about? She said, periods in a very neutral, excited, almost tone, and there was silence in the room. And the mom said she too didn't know what to do with that silence, so she changed the subject to the weather and you know, we normalized the topic in our workshop and within this drive home and, and entering her home space, she's getting a whole different message. And that's confusing for kids to navigate that, you know, here we are comfortable about celebrating growth and our bodies being healthy and this one space, and now this word was powerful enough to silence a room and have her mom change the subject to the weather.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:13:51

Gosh, I could completely see myself or some, you know, friends of mine in that kind of situation where you're these, these generational contexts and differences and not knowing how to talk about it. It's great that your daughters have, a newfound excitement, but being prepared to as an adult, kind of back them up on that, um, makes, is important as well.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:14:12

Yes, yes.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:14

Another thing you mentioned which I hadn't thought about, but the idea that puberty is a privilege. It's, um, I think so often I'll have these glimpses into the world that my daughters navigate and how it just, it's just our normal, but as compared to a broader scale of the world and, you know, global challenges, uh, I, I feel so grateful and blessed that we are somewhere where nutritious food is accessible, where they're able to move freely, where, um, they have options in terms of what they can do with their bodies and how they can get out there. And so all of. All of that put in this phrase of puberty is a privilege that, that's so impactful.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:14:58

Yes. And you know, I think what may be the parallel to that is that so many of the parents I'm working with are going through perimenopause, and that's another mysterious area where we, there's very minimal research on women's health in this area. You know, I'm friends with, many doctors that say that their training didn't really include, um, That topic similarly, aging is a privilege. We can even broaden it from puberty being a privilege to aging. Uh, you know, the fact that we've gotten this far and we're healthy, you know, is really a luxury.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:15:30

yeah. And the idea of normalizing transformation. The idea that they are going through a transformation in this seven to 25 age range. Um, hopefully also plants seeds that our bodies will always change and evolve. And this is just part of it. Like, I like to think that my daughters, they remember when they were three and four, they look at their baby pictures and all that stuff, and so they can see that evolution and not expect it to stop when they become an quote unquote adult. Um, I think that's another. Like in celebrating bodily transformation in a general sense. I like to think that that's also encouraging them to be open to the ways that our bodies change as we age, as we, maybe in our forties we look or feel different than we did in our twenties, and helping to feel, make that feel normal too.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:16:22

Yes. And even before puberty, like I said, with the teeth falling out, like it's a whole cycle, right? It's a cycle that continues. Um, and, uh, yeah, I, I mean, I think that that's a, a really good point. Um,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:37

Even kind of encouraging this idea of reframes around a phrase or a time of life that has been seen in a negative light. Allowing them that will make it easier for them to approach perimenopause, which I think I am myself, dealing with, uh, in mysterious ways. But yeah, it, it makes them feel more open to those changes and not see menopause as this negative thing, which it also has a connotation of.

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:17:04

Yep. And it also, it smoothly transitions into positive body image and body literacy. Um, so, you know, it's just this reframe is pretty powerful in terms of, uh, a lot of levels.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:17:19

I love it. All right, so I would love for you to kind of give us a few takeaways that if the listeners are going to remember anything from this discussion, what would you like them to remember?

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:17:33

Well, I love that we really, I did a deep dive on puberty as a privilege. I think, that attitude of gratitude, that our bodies are healthy. Um, and then if we start this discussion about this transformation with the growth mindset and the brain remodel, then remembering that we can, we can do hard things and that practice makes progress when we think about, just in terms of, you know, our neurological growth. The more we practice. And we have been, like you said, I mean from our bodies have been changing from before we were even born and they will continue to change throughout our entire lifetime. And change can be stressful, but the more that we know knowledge is powerful. Um, so the more we can get that scientific knowledge to understand that our bodies are healthy when they're going through all of these changes, I think is really powerful.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:18:27

Mm. And do you have, a favorite quote or affirmation you'd like to leave with the listeners on this topic?

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:18:35

I mean, I think so. So listening to your body, I guess, you know, body literacy is all about, like, our bodies are like a compass and we just need to learn how to read them, right? And so whether we're talking about hunger cues, Or even technology consumption. How is, how are things making us feel? So listen to your body. It's something I say to my daughter, it's something I say to my students. It's just this moment of like checking in, of, you know,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:04

That Yes, that is so important. For whatever reason, maybe it was told to me, but I didn't listen or it didn't sink in. But I feel like I was a little late in life to, to tune into some of those bodily cues. You know, I would push, push, push, kind of override the tiredness, override the stress, you know, manifestations to get things done or be hyper-productive or kind of keep going, going. But I, I love that idea of embracing it and encouraging our daughters to embrace it at a young age, cuz that hopefully will allow them to navigate situations and not get burnt out, not get overwhelmed, eat healthy, be active and, yeah, just generally speaking, prep them for a higher baseline of, contentment, health, all of those

Konika Ray Wong, GPS: 00:19:49

And it's all healing for us. And it's a great excuse actually for self-care because we are the role models and they're watching us. And as we are becoming workaholics, you know, I see my daughter you know, mirroring what I, how I am. So it's just great reminder that they're watching everything we're doing. They're listening to everything we say, and that as we take care of ourselves, that we're teaching them to listen to their bodies and take care of themselves too.

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Uh, this chat with Konika kind of made me wish I was 10 and didn't have my period yet. So I could read this book and feel differently from the get-go. Here are my key takeaways. Number one. Put a positive spin on things. If the word puberty makes your kid feel uncomfortable, swap in celebrating growth or transformation. Another example is mood swings. Instead of seeing it as a bad thing. Remind them that it's a sign of a brain remodel. Number two. Let's separate puberty from sexual maturity. Puberty can start as early as seven and phrases like she's becoming a woman or you're a woman now when she gets her period. Can make it more emotionally challenging for both kids and parents where there's likely a disconnect between those phrases and how those kids and parents actually feel. Number three. Puberty is a privilege. Foster an attitude of gratitude that our bodies are healthy. Change can be stressful, but we can do hard things. Number four. Normalize that our bodies are constantly changing throughout our lives. When our bodies change, this means our bodies are healthy and doing what they're supposed to be doing. Whether we're talking about growing from a baby to a kid, to puberty or to menopause. And number five, our bodies are like a compass and we just need to learn how to read them. So whether we're talking about hunger cues or technology consumption, or even how we feel in a certain situation or around people. Listen to your body. Notice how things make you feel and encourage your daughter to trust those instincts. To learn more about Konika, her book and workshops visit Girl power science.com. You can follow her on Instagram at girl power science and of course buy her book "One in a Million, a First Book About Periods" on Amazon. These links are in the show notes as well. Two final things. One, if you like what you heard, please tell a friend, follow the podcast and leave a review on apple or Spotify. It's like Yelp or Google for your favorite restaurants? Um, it may not feel like much, but it does make a difference. And thanks to all of those that have left reviews in the past. And secondly, remember to keep an eye out for more info about the rise and raise collective. Uh, community to support busy and mindful moms who want to raise their daughters with intention. And who know that also means becoming their best selves too, since values are caught, not taught. I'm working hard behind the scenes to put something together. So if you're interested on in getting on the wait list, uh, feel free to DM me on Facebook or Instagram. Or shoot me an email at hello at carmelitatiu.com. That's C a R M E L I T a t I U dot com. Thanks so much for listening. it really is a symbol of your commitment to personal growth, as well as showing up the best way you can for your daughters when you listened to this podcast. So I am applauding you from the bottom of my heart. And here's to strong women may we know them may we be them and may we raise them.