Positive Psychology: Rewiring Your Brain for the Better // with Mary Beth Henry

[00:00:00] Mary Beth Henry: so much power lies within just the way that you look at the world and your mindset going into the day. 

[00:00:06] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Welcome to know them. Be them, raise them a show to help busy, mindful, and growth oriented moms of girls stay informed and inspired. Especially through their daughter is tween and teen years. I'm your host. Carmelita too. 

[00:00:23] So positivity has been bouncing in and out of public consciousness for as long as I can remember. Most of us as kids were encouraged to think positive at some point. Or embrace a positive mental attitude. And more recently we've learned about toxic positivity, which is when someone dismisses negative emotions responds to them with shallow reassurances. And insists on immediately putting a positive spin on every situation. No matter how tragic. So when I came across the term positive psychology. 

[00:00:55] And heard that it's approaches can benefit moms as well as their relationships with their kids. I was intrigued. 

[00:01:02] My guest today is Mary Beth Henry. Mary Beth is a personal development and life coach, a speaker, and the host of the, if she can, you can podcast. Mary Beth specializes in using positive psychology to help women find more fulfillment, happiness, and a greater sense of wellbeing. 

[00:01:22] I asked Mary Beth to share her take on positive psychology. And how it can apply to our daily lives. Here's our chat. 

[00:01:34] mary Beth. Thank you so much for joining me today. I love the work you're doing around, coaching and helping moms and women find their passion and purpose.

[00:01:44] And I know a part of that relates to positive psychology. So I'd love to start there and kick it off with, in your words, what is positive psychology and what, what drew you to it?

[00:01:58] Mary Beth Henry: Sure. Well, first of all, thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to be here and share. This is, this is my favorite topic. This is what I 

[00:02:05] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yay.

[00:02:06] Mary Beth Henry: I'm excited to chat with you about it. So positive psychology. Um, it's a little bit. Of, a little bit of common sense in a way, you know, what we're all striving for is that extra happiness that fulfillment living our passion.

[00:02:25] Um, but basically what it really is, is when you think about conventional psychology, it's fixing disordered thinking or disordered, um, you know, just how your mind works. So let's say somebody has depression or anxiety or schizophrenia or substance abuse, something like that. That is what conventional psychology triggers.

[00:02:48] It works with that, through variety of therapies and then gets people up to a baseline of. What they call, you know, just, typical, normal of your thinking makes people comfortable in their surroundings, in their world, where with positive psychology, it helps you go from baseline. To greater to thriving.

[00:03:12] So it's like from good or fine to great. And when I came across this, I was like, ah, ha. That is exactly what I want to do, because I feel like we so often are living in this default mode. Everything's status quo. Um, we're not necessarily depressed, but we're not thrilled with how things are going. I want to help people figure out how to enjoy life more and, you know, using their strengths and using what they already have to flourish. 

[00:03:45] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Hmm. I can definitely relate to that default mode you mentioned where it just felt like is this all there is. So I can see the appeal of, this framework or this area of psychology that really tries to not just, um, help people survive, but really, like you said, move them into a place where they can thrive.

[00:04:09] Mary Beth Henry: Absolutely 

[00:04:09] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Now there's been a lot of attention recently to positivity, but in sort of a negative connotation that it can become toxic at a certain point. So how do we distinguish between, what's positive psychology and what's toxic positivity. 

[00:04:25] Mary Beth Henry: Well, I think basically toxic positivity is a level of fakeness. You know, we can feel when someone's being inauthentic, we can feel when a situation is inauthentic. And the difference with positive psychology is it allows you to feel all the emotions, but it gives you that moment of pause, where you can choose what is best for you and how you'd rather be.

[00:04:50] And that is the difference where, you know, something happens and it's appropriate to grieve and not to be excited and thrilled, you know, that's would be inappropriate. Um, so it takes that moment where you can learn from the sadness and the grief and choose to move on, where you'll still visit the grief.

[00:05:13] And you'll when it's appropriate, you can. I have the tools to move on. And that's really the point where, you know, we're supposed to feel all the feels. Life is up and down and we can get really badly stuck in these bad places. We, the world is a scary, awful place right now. You know, it's really, you can get really sucked into the news.

[00:05:37] You can get sucked into everything that's has happened with the pandemic. And there's a lot of people that have been in this stuck place where they feel like they can't, they can't grow. And this is looking at that, feeling the feelings and making the educated choice to move on and accept those things as a part of the reality. 

[00:06:00] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: yeah, I appreciate that positive psychology isn't just trying to sweep the emotions under the rug, trying to mask over anything you're feeling, but it acknowledges that space for those feelings of hurt, the, the negative emotions.

[00:06:16] Uh, You know, everything you've touched on in describing positive psychology makes me feel like I, you know, I want that for myself. I want that for my kids. I want a parent in a better way. So, for you, how has it changed your life?

[00:06:29] Knowing that this field exists and everything that you've learned about it?

[00:06:33] Mary Beth Henry: Well, what's really interesting about positive psychology and coming from a place of personal development, which is what I'm really big in. I'm a personal development coach. You know, almost a personal development junkie. I have borderline obsession with it, but I felt like before I found positive psychology.

[00:06:52] I was picking apart the things that I saw as negative in my life. You know, places of lack, things that I fell short in, I was focusing on them and trying to fix those things and doing it in a way that, you know, as following someone else's ideas or, follow someone who's done it or somebody who's successful in it and still sometimes falling short.

[00:07:16] And what positive psychology focuses on is they take a really deep look at each person's individual strengths. And then you can use those. they identify through, you know, certain assessment tools and, and grow using those and try to, Um,

[00:07:35] use those more towards the things that you are struggling with. So, you know, instead of trying to do something, using someone else's strength, someone else's willpower, someone else's, personal thing that they already Excel at. You use something that you Excel with and go from there. So it's, it's actually gives you that feeling of pride over and over again, you feel accomplished because you're already doing something that you like to do.

[00:08:04] And when you're doing something you like to do, you tend to have more success. 

[00:08:08] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah. Yeah. This is bringing up for me. Um, a few people I've had on the podcast have talked about ways that we can boost girls self-confidence, you know, and more than a few have talked about the importance of having girls identify, even if it's just one thing about themselves identify that thing that they can feel proud of.

[00:08:27] And that becomes kind of a springboard for a lot of other positive feelings and a lot of, uh, experiences or emotions that might lead to that better sense of self-confidence. So, yeah. I love that idea of finding out what those strengths are. Not, just fall into other people's methods or thinking that another way is the only way, but it sounds like positive psychology really encourages this holistic sense of who you are and identifying what you're best at, and trying to use that to build upon, which is fascinating.

[00:09:02] Mary Beth Henry: Especially with children. I think because we spend so much time with parenting telling them what they should not do, you know, and it has that negative connotation, which many times is necessary. You know, you have to do that for safety and, and all kinds of things, but with positive psychology you're pointing out what they're good at and you're showing them.

[00:09:25] You know how that's a strength, and showing them where that strength shows up in their life. It's almost like the power of suggestion. And I think that's really huge with children is when you, you know, show them something and suggest it, that it, and especially from an authority in their life, you know, it could be a parent, a teacher.

[00:09:44] I mean, I think a lot of people look back on their childhood and have certain defining moments where someone said, Hey, you're a good singer or you're a good soccer player. And suddenly. They thought, oh, maybe I am. And then he looked back at the video and when you're an adult and you're like, I wasn't that good, but at the time it felt so great. And I think that that's where the growth comes from, you know, and, and that confidence is built. And I think that's really important, especially with kids. 

[00:10:11] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah. So that's a great, I think, lead into another question and I'm dying to know which is, are there ways to incorporate positive psychology into our parenting? You know, are there any tips you have for moms of girls who might be wanting to use a positive approach, but really don't know how.

[00:10:30] Mary Beth Henry: Absolutely. Um, I think one really big thing that we touched on already is helping them discover their strengths. There's actually an assessment tool and I can give you the link to it. It's called the VIA character strengths assessment, and it's actually a diagnostic tool that they use in positive psychology.

[00:10:49] And you can start at age eight. I have four children of my own and I've done it. Two of them so far. And, um, it's amazing, you know, they answer a lot of questions. I think that's probably why you need to be eight because your attention span, 

[00:11:04] you know? Oh. And I did it with them because it is a lot, there's a bunch of questions and just kind of guiding them.

[00:11:11] Um, nothing's difficult, but it's making them choose, what sounds most like you, you know, what strongly agree, disagree, that those types of questions, you know, and, there's 24 character strengths that have been identified through positive psychology as, kind of universal that everyone possesses in some way, we all have them to varying degrees, so it could be like leadership or spirituality, you know, confidence, creativity, all these different things.

[00:11:38] And I think that taking that quiz with my kids and then seeing what came up and then showing them like, oh yeah.

[00:11:47] this is where that's showing up in your life. Like leadership, look at this, how you play on the basketball team. And you know, you're always raising your hand in class and all these different things.

[00:11:57] You know, when they feel like that's a strength, they tend to use it more and more. So definitely showing them that is a really big thing. It really great conversation to have. 

[00:12:06] I think another thing is the power of gratitude in the home. And I've always felt like this is a, when I talk about, or at least prior to my learning about all of these positive psychology tools, that was a big eyeroll.

[00:12:24] With my kids, you know, you'd start talking about gratitude. They'd be like, oh my gosh. Yes, I'm grateful. I'm grateful. It's like a finger wag. Like you should be grateful for what you have stop complaining and all that stuff. But instead talking to them about the best part, it's a kind of a family activity that we do at dinner, where we will go around and everyone has to list three good things that happened that. And what's powerful about this is sometimes you have a really bad day. And you still have to list three good things that happened. So sometimes the three good things might be, I didn't spill my coffee on my shirt. My house did not burn down today and you know, I did not crash the car, but every other bad thing happened, but you have to think of three good things that happen.

[00:13:17] And I think that when you start doing that as a practice, It starts to rewire your thinking towards positivity. And that's a really powerful thing to, to instill in a child. Um, and they do tend to be more grateful. 

[00:13:32] Uh, you know, after doing all those things, noticing is a, is a really big deal 

[00:13:37] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I love that you brought up this idea of something not happening can something you're grateful for. My family is similar where at dinner we list out what we're grateful for one or two things a day, but I kind of, you know, the way you rephrased it is also fun because, um, yeah, but in any 

[00:13:55] Mary Beth Henry: That's great. 

[00:13:56] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: It can be hard to think of what happened to you that you're grateful for, but to think about what didn't happen to you or what you don't have to deal with you can be grateful for that too. Um, 

[00:14:06] Mary Beth Henry: Especially with things that. are on the news these days and all the things, you know, the suffering and the, I dunno, just absolute chaos we're seeing everywhere. Sometimes it's just nice to, to point out like, Hey, could, you know, could be worse, you know? No. 

[00:14:25] I do also like to help kids, set intentions, you know, the other thing that the gratitude and the three good things, that exercise is a great thing to do at the end of the day. But another thing that you can do in the beginning of the day is to set intentions and you know, what do you have going on today?

[00:14:45] What are you worried about? How do you see that going? If this were the perfect day, how would that turn out? And, you know, helping them have that dialogue where they can play it through where they have, how they want it to go, because I think.

[00:14:58] So often, like I said before, we're in this default mode, we're just getting up, showing up to where we're supposed to show up ,doing the work we're supposed to do, going home and going to bed and repeating it the next day. And the earlier we can teach children the power that they have over their own mood, creating their own reality.

[00:15:20] And not that you need to be a wealthy person or that you need, some miracle to happen so much power lies within just the way that you look at the world and your mindset going into the day. So I think it's a, it's pretty cool to see the little transformations that have happened in my kids. And I get to say to my husband, like that was all me. 

[00:15:41] I talked about that last week. 

[00:15:44] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: the idea of an intention with your kids is kind of an aha moment for me. I used to work for the Oprah Winfrey show. And before we taped, she would sit with the audience and the guests and say, let's take a moment to set our intentions.

[00:16:00] My intention for this day, or for this moment is to, give you a space to tell your story, whatever it may have been, but. 

[00:16:08] Mary Beth Henry: Oprah. She's amazing. 

[00:16:10] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: yeah. Uh, and in that setting, it made so much sense. And I didn't think that, it could also be transferable into kind of with your kids in the morning. So thank you for presenting that that's kind of, I'm sort of anxious for the morning to come, so I can be like, all right, girls, what are your intentions?

[00:16:30] Mary Beth Henry: think a lot of times it helps ease anxiety too, because there's so much. Apprehension going, you know, girls going in and they're, you know, they've got bullies at school or something going on. And, and they think of the worst possible scenario. And they live from that space.

[00:16:48] And it's heartbreaking because as an adult, you're like, no, no, no, no. That's not how it is. But immature thinking and inexperience leads them to. Having that negative bias towards, towards what could possibly happen. And I feel like giving them that tool that they can, what are some other things?

[00:17:06] What are, what's another possibility today? And maybe how could you, you know, set the intention to have positive interactions and, and things like that. I, I think that. At the very least it helps them walk in to the situation with more calmness and confidence then when they're all tense and, full of anxiety. 

[00:17:28] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah. Contemplating the possible outcomes is really important because I think like you said, if you don't think about it and don't think about how you want things to come out, it can feel like you have no sense of what's coming and, and I'm much more fearful and anxious, but yeah.

[00:17:48] Talking through different things is great. Yeah. I would love to know if there's a quote or maybe something you'd like to leave the listeners with that, um, kind of resonates with you.

[00:18:00] Mary Beth Henry: Well, so much of it is about with positive psychology is about using your strengths. And one thing I like to coach with, and I think it really solves so many issues on so many levels. Is if we live our lives, thinking about how we can use our blessings to bless other people. So I will often say that, how can you use your blessings to bless others?

[00:18:23] So, and the word blessings, it doesn't have to be that it could be, use your gifts, use your talents to affect other people. How can you pay it forward in some way? And I think if you always have that in mind, You know, especially when you really are aware of what you're good at and what your, strong suits are that you really can't fail.

[00:18:41] You know, if you, if you live a life of service and, keep that in mind at all times, it's not easy, but trying, I think at least if, when you're troubled, I think that a lot of times serving others, giving, contributing in some way really helps ground us and realize that we are all a part of a community together.

[00:19:07] And that's what really matters. So if I could have one quote that kind of encompasses all the things that I hope to pass on to people is use your blessings to bless others. 

[00:19:18] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: A big, thanks to Mary Beth for sharing her insights. And I hope you feel a little more informed and inspired after our chat. 

[00:19:28] There are simple ways to incorporate positive psychology into your life. Number one. Find your strengths. Take the via character strength survey, a free online assessment tool and have your kids take it to. Use your natural strengths when approaching new and challenging situations. 

[00:19:47] Number two. Uh, foster gratitude. Build a practice of gratitude in the evening. Where you have each member of your family list, three good things that happened that day, or you could name one thing that you're grateful for. Uh, building this practice really helps rewire your brain. To be more positive. 

[00:20:06] Number three. Set intentions. Help your kids set an intention for the day. And think through potential outcomes, especially positive ones. Ask. What's another possibility today. 

[00:20:20] Number four. Serve others consider how you can use your talents to affect other people. How can you pay it forward in some way? Use your blessings to bless others. 

[00:20:34] To learn more about Mary Beth, you can visit Mary Beth henry.com. That's Mary hyphen Beth hyphen, henry.com. Or follow her on Instagram at. If she can, you can. And those words have periods in between them. Her podcast, if she can, you can, can be found wherever you listen to podcasts. 

[00:20:56] Mary Beth is also offering a figure it out 60 day bootcamp. The next one starts on May ninth. Links to that as well as those social accounts are in the show notes. 

[00:21:08] Remember, you have to take action to be something. And by listening your doing the work and showing that you are a strong growth oriented woman and mom. 

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[00:21:32] Thank you so much for listening. And here's to strong women. May we know them, may we be them? And may we raise them? 

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