Mindset, and Why Modeling It Matters // with Mary Beth Henry

[00:00:00] Mary Beth Henry: I think that we have had mindset modeled to us, and if we're not careful, we will model that to our children. And a lot of it is what we are telling our children they're capable of, but also what they see us accept of ourselves. 

[00:00:19] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Hello all, and welcome to Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them, a show to help busy, mindful, and growth-oriented moms stand formed and inspired as they navigate their daughter's tween and teen years with most episodes running 20 minutes or less. I'm your host Carmelita Tiu.

[00:00:37] My guest today is Mary Beth Henry. Her episode on positive psychology resonated so much. that I asked her to come back and talk about mindset, why it matters, and ways we can all lead into modeling mindset for our kids. 

[00:00:51] Mary Beth is a personal development and life coach, a speaker, and the host of the, If She Can, You Can podcast. Mary Beth specializes in using positive psychology to help women find more fulfillment, happiness, and a greater sense of wellbeing. Here's our chat. 

[00:01:14] Mary Beth, thank you for joining us again. I was thrilled to have you on before talking about positive psychology and you shared so much with the listeners and me. Something I'd love to hear more about is mindset and how that impacts how you navigate life. 

[00:01:32] Mary Beth Henry: So, well, thanks for having me again. I love talking about this stuff. So with mindset, it really comes down to two different types and they will both show up in your life in different ways, but there is what we call a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. So a fixed mindset is believing that you are born with your abilities, that–you know, there's only so high, you can go, it's already pre-determined. And you know, you may have already gotten there. It's kind of like can't teach an old dog new tricks type of thing, or it is what it is. And you'll find that certain places of your life that shows up, you know. A growth mindset is the belief that with working hard and, you know, trying and persevering that you can.

[00:02:27] Keep getting better and better and better at different things and kind of the sky's the limit. So it differs from, like, you know, when you talk about mindset, they'll be like, oh, I'm, open-minded, I'm very, open-minded, it's completely different than being closed-minded and open-minded, I mean, it, it, it has the same vibe.

[00:02:44] One is more negative than the other. But it's different because you can have a fixed mindset and be open-minded about things and vice versa. Um, like accepting of other people is being, open-minded being, but you could be fixed in your own self, and so that's kind of where that is different.

[00:03:06] But, in terms of with your children, it's really funny. I think a lot of times when we parent, especially in the tough times, we fall back onto what was modeled to us. 

[00:03:17] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Absolutely. 

[00:03:18] Mary Beth Henry: Don't you think so?

[00:03:18] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I totally agree. Yep. Yep. Unless you're super intentional and had the foresight to think it through [Mary Beth Henry: Right.], you can only do what you know.

[00:03:22] Mary Beth Henry: Right, 

[00:03:26] Mary Beth Henry: Right, You say the things that your mother said to you, you're like, oh my gosh, that sounded exactly like my grandma. And you can't even believe it–that every mother is at that moment where they're like, I can't believe that. I just said that, you know, all the things you swore, you'd never do, you're doing. 

[00:03:44] I think that we have had mindset modeled to us, and if we're not careful, we will model that to our children. And a lot of it is what we are telling our children they're capable of, but also what they see us accept of ourselves. And I think that that's a really big thing that we don't realize, the responsibility that we have with working on growth and contribution in our own lives, how much that models to our children, we can better ourselves. We can achieve things, not huge things, huge things are great, but that's not what it's about.

[00:04:24] It's about, seeing something you want and going after it and watching a parent do that is extremely powerful and plants a lot of seeds for confidence and, you know, definitely for mindset moving forward.

[00:04:39] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Oh, I love that. So a huge reason why I talk about the things that I talk about on this podcast is really taking to heart. That idea, that moms, whether we want it want to be or not are the first and best role models for our daughters, because they're around us the most, they're going to be stuck with us for the rest of our lives.

[00:05:00] Um, so like you said, the way we show up really impacts what they see as possible for themselves. And I, I really appreciate your nudging people to grow and kind of take risks and evolve and do hard things, because I also think that parenting sometimes makes you feel a little more conservative. Like don't become an entrepreneur, or don't go back to school, or don't switch jobs because It might mean upheaval.

[00:05:28] It might mean changes in routine. It might be hard. But great reminder that by exhibiting those growth mindset traits and really taking it on to be the person that you want your kids to be. That it's so powerful. Um, and to give yourself permission to do that.

[00:05:48] Mary Beth Henry: It really is. I think there's a lot of protecting that we do as parents. We protect, you know, we're protecting our children, safety and we don't want to take those risks because what if, what if we lost everything and what would that look like for our children, but it's just as damaging to not take risks and how powerful is it for us to lose and to gain again. 

[00:06:15] I also think that's something that is really beneficial or if it, even if it happened before their lifetime to tell them about the time that you, lost everything or, the times are hard, you know, I always say because I have a podcast also it's called If She Can, You Can.

[00:06:33] And that's, you know, I love to share these stories of, especially moms you know, showing that they did something hard. And I think so often we're looking for this huge story of like someone living in their car and nothing but ramen noodles and peanut butter. And it doesn't have to be that hard though.

[00:06:54] The risks that you take, the chances that you take, sometimes it's just getting dressed and going to that newcomers club meeting that you just didn't feel like going to, like if your kid sees you showing up for life. That alone can be that example that they need. You know, it's all these little, little things are really powerful on the flip side, when they see you miserable at work, they see you not changing, not growing, full of anxiety.

[00:07:23] That is very, very contagious. You know, especially as a kids, that's, those are also those things that they're going to be repeating. So I feel this huge responsibility and I kind of want to spread this, spread this responsibility of breaking this narrative and, you know, changing things for the future. So, because we know better now.

[00:07:45] You know what, this was not a discussion that was happening in our parents' generation and it's happening more and more now. And, we have all these outlets with social media and blogs and podcasts, and there's so much positivity out there if you look for it and so much opportunity for that growth that–I think you know to not grab the reins here and be a part of this is crazy. I think that we need to show this to our kids and, um, you know, I think it gives them the best opportunity in life.

[00:08:17] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yes. I love what you said about it's just as damaging to not take risks and how, when you show up miserable, complaining about work, tired all the time, um, maybe complaining about something in life, but not doing anything about it, how that is also damaging. Or you're teaching a lesson that if you take a step back, you don't want your kids to learn. 

[00:08:44] Um, I think on that note, you know, what do you do? Sometimes I feel a little triggered when I hear complaints from my kids. And I, I guess I don't want them to fall into a place of a fixed mindset. Um, so are there ways that you would suggest parents kind of acknowledge their children's feelings, but also nudge them towards growth mindset perspectives 

[00:09:10] Mary Beth Henry: Sure, yeah. That's another one of those parenting default things that we do, you know, stop complaining and it, you know, the truth is we all have things to complain about and we all have things that are hard and that, you know, we want to, we it's really easy to get sucked into that. And especially kids, because they lack that experience and that perspective, they don't know how bad it could be, you know? So you're like, oh, picking up your toys is really hard. You know what I had to do to get this house? These people moving today, like it's, it's, you know, insane. But I do think that, I think it's okay to have these conversations.

[00:09:54] I really do. I think that we protect our kids against seeing harder things and, you know, seeing a different way of life or, you know, seeing the way it could be and, you know, in a negative way, you know? So the thing that they're complaining about showing them, or discussing with them, instead of it being a, you know, yelling punishment type of conversation to actually discuss with them.

[00:10:21] Like, I want you to take a minute and think about, what it would be like if you didn't have that, what it would be like if, you know, things were this way or what if you were living in this country or what if it, you know, like, think about thinking about those things. I really do think that's okay.

[00:10:35] You know, we're a foster family. And so we get little babies all the time that you know, are coming from really, really horrible situations. And my friends and other families who have taken a, what do you tell your kids? You know, cause gosh, that's such a hard topic. And I said, I tell them the truth.

[00:10:55] I don't tell them the gory details of it all, but I let them know that there's drugs and there's broken families and things that are out there. I think that gives them that perspective without scaring them. You know, I'm not trying to terrorize anybody. I just do think that it's important to understand that the world is bigger than what you see and it's okay to whine and complain because that's just what they do. But to also so they know, you know, having that knowledge. 

[00:11:27] Another thing is, and we talked about this in the last episode is having them really be aware of their strengths. It's like they might be whining about something and you can say like, well, you're a natural born leader.

[00:11:40] We know this about you. So how would you use that to deal with this problem? Helping them, regroup and reroute the problem a little bit through their own strengths is also a really powerful tool,

[00:11:54] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Oh, that's fascinating. Cause as you were talking, I was thinking to myself, I think at least with my daughters, a lot of times when they find themselves in these negative spirals, it's because they can't control something. But by identifying a strength and looking at it as like, what's the real problem here.

[00:12:13] And how can we use your strength to help solve it? That's a great idea. 

[00:12:18] Mary Beth Henry: Absolutely. And it gives them the power back, you know, because they feel powerless in so many situations, everybody's telling you what to do. You have no control anything. I do feel bad sometimes I'm like, because just because. You know, it's just, it's, it's so hard, but we all had to do it. Right?

[00:12:37] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Right, and I love to hear you say that, because I know there's a lot of, you know, Instagram reels talking about like, you have to give a reason for everything. And, and I totally get that and I try to do it and I get there like 90% of the time, but the other 10%. Can you please just do it and we can talk about it later, but right. 

[00:12:56] Mary Beth Henry: I don't have a reason in my brain right now. I have to come up with one. No, I know. I agree that, you know, breaking up with that perfection, I think is really a big thing with parenting. It's a big thing with mindset as well. You know, like this fixed mindset and growth mindset, you can learn all the things you can know exactly. What you're supposed to do and still show up with a fixed mindset, you know, and, and, or have it be really bad in one area of life, in a really great in another area of life, you know, I think that there is a balance there and to, to realize that a lot of it is the awareness.

[00:13:34] Like once, you know, then you can make–has I feel like it was Oprah. And I feel like Oprah got from Maya Angelo, but I heard it first on Oprah. Was about when you know better, you do better. You know, that whole thing. I think that awareness is half the battle with when it comes to mindset and raising kids and.

[00:13:54] Yeah, we're just doing the best we can. We're not trying to be perfect. We're trying to be better. You know? 

[00:13:58] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Right, yeah. 

[00:13:59] Mary Beth Henry: What can we do?

[00:14:00] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Speaking of, what you were saying, about adults and not wanting to fail in front of kids. But I was uploading a podcast episode and my girls wanted to listen to it because everything I do, a lot of moms listen to with their daughters, but as we were listening to it, I realized I had forgotten to take out a whole chunk of words that I had said the word biases over and over because I had mispronounced it in different places. So I was cutting and pasting instead of re-recording. Anyway, so we're listening on Apple Podcasts and out of the blue, here's me saying biases, biases, biases, biases.

[00:14:43] Biases like 17 different ways. And I was mortified, but then we started cracking up. And it's kind of an inside joke now. 

[00:14:52] Mary Beth Henry: Right.

[00:14:53] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: We’ll say remember that time–biases, biases is like I'm pointing out birds in the sky. But I actually am grateful that they got to see that happen because they saw that it's not the end of the world. 

[00:15:07] Mary Beth Henry: Yes, it isn’t. Right. 

[00:15:09] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Hopefully I didn't give them the impression that I saw it as I'm terrible, I should have done better. I didn't beat myself up over it. And it's minor in the grand scheme of things. So hopefully all those lessons came to them, but yeah. 

[00:15:21] Mary Beth Henry: I think that it's so important for them to see us fail, you know, just as much as it's important for them to see us have a growth mindset or, or to take risks or whatever it is. I really do think it's important because. That whole playing it safe all the time. It's like, then what is mom? Mom is just this person who makes dinner.

[00:15:42] You know, it's like you, you have to show them that you're a person with potential. And I want them to see someone who's happy, someone who's fulfilled, someone who loves being a mom, but also someone who's contributing to the world in a greater way. And changes, and messes up, and sometimes overbooks things, and sometimes spills the coffee, and does all the things and guess what? Everything's fine. [Carmelita Tiu: Yes, yeah!] You know, that's, that's really important to model, I think. 

[00:16:13] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I completely agree for them to see that things turn out okay. Even though, like you said, there's mistakes, missteps along the way, and also that you're evolving, what a powerful lesson, because I grew up in a home where my dad worked the same job until he retired.

[00:16:32] I was blessed to have a stay at home mom, but then because of that, I didn't witness a lot of risk-taking or at least I didn't see it.

[00:16:41] Maybe it was behind the scenes, but on the surface to me, it looks like you guys have a really stable gig going on and I'm happy for you if you're happy, but my gig is not as stable. Or I went through a divorce, several years ago and that kind of threw me for a loop and I didn't know how to move on.

[00:16:58] And even now, if for anyone who's kind of in a similar position, it can be hard to lean out of that comfort zone because you haven't witnessed it. So for you to live it in front of your kids that's such a gift. Yeah. Such a gift.

[00:17:12] Mary Beth Henry: I think so too. And they like, life is hard, things happen, you know, and they need to see that. I think too often, we, you know, we hide things. We want everything to be perfect. We don't want them to worry, but I think watching within reason, we don't need to see everything, but they need to know that things are not perfect sometimes.

[00:17:33] I went to school, I became a nurse and then all of a sudden I wasn't feeling it anymore. And I had to make a change for myself.

[00:17:41] I knew I did, but I think so much because my mother was a nurse and everything was great. It was harder for me to break away from it because it almost felt like I was letting her down. You know, also I had this education that was paid for by my parents. And I also felt like they're probably like, are you kidding me?

[00:18:01] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: We invested in this education for a reason. Yeah. 

[00:18:06] Mary Beth Henry: But it's all a journey. It's all, uh, you know, I feel like all the things taught me so much and I'm where I need to be. And, that's what I want for my kids. 

[00:18:15] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I, it reminds me of a clip from a Sarah Blakely interview and she was relating this, her relationship with her dad, but apparently he would come home and she and her brother would have to tell him at dinner, how they failed that day.

[00:18:29] And they'd talk about. Yeah, but what an amazing perspective shift. Like you're expected to fail and it's okay to fail and you learn from it. And it's a good thing. Just, like you were saying, you want your kids to see someone that's trying new things, and evolving, and failing, you know, that's–it ends up being a benefit in some ways how we handle it. 

[00:18:53] Mary Beth Henry: Definitely. 

[00:18:54] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Well, the last time you were here, I asked you like, is there something that you'd like to leave with the listeners that maybe captures the essence of mindset or growth.

[00:19:05] Mary Beth Henry: I, you know, I think that if you're struggling in anything in your life, pursuing a goal, or if you're struggling as a mom, or whatever it is, the first thing that you need to look at is your mindset and how you're showing up. So I guess I would say mindset is everything, because I really do believe if you don't get that right.

[00:19:28] If you don't start from a place with a growth mindset, that you're gonna struggle. It's like fitting a peg through the wrong size hole, it's just never really going to settle the way it's supposed to. So I guess that's what I would pick.

[00:19:43] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I love that. 

[00:19:44] I'm so grateful to Mary Beth for sharing her thoughts on mindset. Here are my key takeaways from our chat. 

[00:19:53] Number one, parents, especially in tough times, tend to default to what was modeled to them. If we're not careful, we'll model that to our kids. It's a reminder to think about what our parents passed on to us. Listen to episode 30 with Stephanie Wong, to hear more about generational patterns and how to recognize them. I'll link to that in the show notes

[00:20:15] Number two, while we worry about taking risks because of the ups and downs, we might put our kids through or ourselves. Remember that not taking risks has just as big of an impact. Trying and failing maybe hard, but never trying because of fear can have a similar negative, emotional toll.

[00:20:33] Number three, remember that growth and risk don't have to be big. It can be trying a new class, reaching out to a stranger, taking on a new home project. If you're daughter sees you showing up for life, even in small ways, that is very powerful and contagious. 

[00:20:50] Number four, when it seems your kids are stuck in a negative or a fixed mindset, it's okay to give them some perspective on their circumstances. After validating their feelings, help them see things about their situations that are worthy of being grateful for. Not in a finger wagging way, but in a way that adds dimension and bolsters their resilience. 

[00:21:12] And number five, it's important for our kids to see us fail. To show them that we have potential, and we can evolve, and we can endure. We have a responsibility to work on our growth and self betterment to model a growth mindset for our kids. Be the person you want your kids to be. 

[00:21:31] To learn more about Mary Beth, you can visit mary-beth-henry.com. That's Mary hyphen Beth hyphen, henry.com. Or follow her on Instagram @if.she.can.you.can. And those words have periods in between them. Her podcast, If She Can, You Can, can be found wherever you listen to podcasts. 

[00:21:52] Mary Beth is also offering a Figure It Out 60-day bootcamp. The next one starts on May 9th. Links to that as well as those social accounts are in the show notes. 

[00:22:03] Remember, you have to take action to be something. And by listening, you're doing the work and showing that you are a strong growth-oriented woman and mom. 

[00:22:13] So high five to you. Don't forget to follow @knowberaisethem on Instagram and Facebook and if you found something helpful or insightful, please subscribe or follow and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. 

[00:22:26] Thank you so much for listening. And here's to strong women...May we know them, may we be them, and may we raise them.