How to Overcome Feeling Overwhelmed // with Liz Pessaran

[00:00:00] Liz Pessaran: more often than not. I would say women who are overwhelmed carrying this role of being the mother and doing all these things, there's been a lot of self-abandonment to please and do things for your child, for the concept of the greater good or whatever else. 

[00:00:23] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Hi everyone. I'm Carmelita too. And welcome to know them.

[00:00:27] Be them. Uh, show to help busy, mindful growth oriented moms stay informed and inspired as they navigate their daughters, tween and teen years with most episodes running 20 minutes or less. My guest this week is Liz. Pizarron a licensed therapist, life, coach, and speaker who helps people around the world let go of what they should do and embrace what they feel connected to ultimately thriving in their.

[00:00:55] She helps folks walk away from their unfulfilling jobs in lifestyles and cultivate the life. They've always desired. Liz utilizes her unique skillset to guide women, to tap into their deep soul so they can shatter the box of limited beliefs and embrace their inner magic. So if I were to ask a room full of moms, if they've ever felt overwhelmed, I'm guessing.

[00:01:18] Maybe 99% would be raising their hands. Hello, newborns. But also because we've been through times that are stressful, the to-do lists pile up healthy habits are put on the back burner and exhaustion and burnout start to creep in. It could be the holidays, the end of the school year, dealing with unexpected negative events, like an illness or a job loss, or it might be that poison cocktail of work demands plus conflict plus feeling like you're letting someone down.

[00:01:46] I asked Liz to shed some light on that feeling of being overwhelmed, where it comes from and what we can do about it. Here's that conversation.

[00:01:59] welcome. Liz. I'm so excited to chat with you. Just thrilled to have you available to share your insights, wisdom, and expertise with, with our listeners. 

[00:02:10] Liz Pessaran: Thank you. I'm happy to be here. 

[00:02:13] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: So that sense of overwhelm that. I often feel what causes overwhelm and how do we kind of identify the root of the problem.

[00:02:24] Yeah. 

[00:02:24] Liz Pessaran: Yeah, it's a big one. It's I think the biggest topic, most of us feel overwhelmed at some point or another, and I would even be strong enough to say, I think we are chronically overwhelmed that we don't really know how to experience. Um, balance or ease. And, uh, I think that's part of our culture. You know, being in the west culture is just very fast paced and expecting a lot of you 

[00:02:51] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: normalized, 

[00:02:52] Liz Pessaran: normalized it.

[00:02:53] Yes, absolutely. And something that I felt in my own story and journey was immense overwhelmed. And wondering, how did I get there? Why was it so severe and who was I doing it for? Because all these things were taking up time in my day. So the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, I was running around like a chicken with their head cut off and never feeling like I could really like get my head above water.

[00:03:21] I never felt like I got ahead. Never felt like it got enough done. There was always a really long to-do list at the end of the day. And they got to a point where. Personally, I hit, I hit a wall. I crashed hit rock bottom. Suddenly saw myself in a different light of, you know, Liz you've kind of lost your soul and your spirit and your spark, and you've lost your sense of you.

[00:03:45] And I would gather to say a lot of the women I work with are similar. They've lost the sense of. And especially when you go walking into motherhood and parenthood, your own compass kind of shifts, you know, your kid turns into the center and you're now defined as the parent and not this, you know, rock climber or, you know, professional, scuba diver, or whatever cool things you've done in your past.

[00:04:10] Like they can get put on the back burner and true. Yeah. And then it's like you no longer have these like cool stories. They're just stories that you'll tell maybe once or twice here and there, but now you're just this person's mom or this person's dad or parent. And so I think the overwhelm really comes from allowing ourselves to be defined by that topic of parent being defined by that title and all that comes with.

[00:04:41] Based on society. So all the external expectations and when we start carrying them, the more, they're never going to end like this, the more they pile on the heavier they get, we don't really know what our north star is, what our inner compass is, and we're just running. Ragged and feeling really overwhelmed.

[00:05:03] So I think that's really what happens and where it comes from, if that makes 

[00:05:06] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: sense. Yeah, absolutely. That shift I can completely relate. So how do we, how would you advise moms, especially moms of girls? Well, you know, I think moms generally, but something I'm keenly aware of as a mom of daughters is like, I am.

[00:05:25] There first and best role model and well, hopefully best, but definitely the most, um, present in their lives. So the way I show up, the way I respond to things really matters. And I don't say this to like add stress and anxiety to, to myself, but it's more as an encouragement to. To be intentional and to think like, if something's not serving me, but I'm dealing with it or, and my kids see that I'm normalizing that for.

[00:05:55] Right. I'm telling them that this is what motherhood should look like. I'm wondering how do you advise moms to manage overwhelm so that they can show up for themselves in a good way and also model that for their kids? 

[00:06:08] Liz Pessaran: Yeah. Well, that's such a beautiful question. And it's like the big question. Like how do I actually overcome this?

[00:06:14] When nobody externally wants me to overcome it. Everyone wants me to keep doing it. Um, And it really comes down for me as a therapist. And as someone who's worked with women for decades now, self-trust really understanding what self-trust looks like because more often than not, I would say women who are overwhelmed carrying this role of being the mother and doing all these things, there's been a lot of self-abandonment to please and do things for your child and to do.

[00:06:48] For the concept of the greater good or whatever else and how I define self-trust and self-abandonment, and to simplify it self-trust is really knowing, innately what is the best for you to show up, to be the best for others? So what is best for you so that you can function? Well, be healthy, know when to say yes, no.

[00:07:11] When to say no, no one to set those boundaries, no one to speak up, like, you know, what's best for you. And then self-abandonment is when you know what's best for you, but based on someone else's opinion or something externally or situationally, you choose not to listen to. Um, so that would be actually, I just had a conversation with a client.

[00:07:35] She went to a baby shower, she wanted to leave, but she felt guilty and other things. And so she felt this pressure, even though she was exhausted and having a backache and like all these things were going on in that moment, it was this minor self abandon. And she chose to stay instead of leaving and little things like that.

[00:07:55] That's how the overwhelmed piles is because you're already not feeling great and you're not aligned with the situation or circumstance, but then you choose to stay within it because you think it's for the right reasons or. The pressure, whatever. So these always happen on what I like to call like micro doses, like the simplest thing of staying at a baby shower or leaving early, right?

[00:08:22] Like that's not that big of a deal, but yet if we do this on repeat over and over and over again, all that makes us do is feel more, exhausted, more tired, more overwhelmed, and then we really lose our sense of how do I get out of this. So. First things first, when you're feeling overwhelmed, coming back to how do I trust myself?

[00:08:46] And if you're feeling really lost in that start with, and I'm going to use a bad word here, but start with the concept of hell. Yes. And hell. Yeah. Um, I use this with tons of clients and these are things that, you know, for a fact to just start the practice of self-trust that, you know, for a fact are true in her hell yeses.

[00:09:06] Like I married, like my husband's named Jim. I married Jim. That's a hell. Yes. I married the guy. He's fabulous. I love him. Like it's passion filled. It's great. That's the guy married. I didn't marry Bob. I didn't, I didn't marry Bob that's different person. Um, and then, and then start expanding on bigger things.

[00:09:24] Like that's a very factual. It feels right in my body. Um, I love chocolate. That's a total hell. Yes. Like I love to travel. That's a hell. Yes. So sit with yourself for a second and ask yourself, what are these amazing yeses in your life that you know are to be true? Those are your inner compass. Those are true to you.

[00:09:44] Those are great. And then what other things can you expand on that are hell yet? And that's kind of building that self-trust is I know what feels right in my body. I know what the hell. Yes. Like you've been on those girls trips or those times with your friends that have been so excited. Like you are so excited.

[00:10:03] You're like, yes, let's go to Vegas or yes, let's go to the mountains and you're thrilled to go do this thing. Know what that feels like. So when you're able to recognize those feelings, uh, yes. You're able to recognize in those situations. That may feel overwhelming. Is this really good for me? Is this, is this really a Les like this baby shower?

[00:10:26] I'm Jaz. I'm excited. I'm so happy to be here. I'm like playing all the games. I'm doing all the things I'm loving my life then. Yeah. If stay, you know, it's not like what, how can you trust yourself a little bit more to make that best decision and, and leave with here's the. Leave with confidence. Uh, 

[00:10:47] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: yes, not the apology.

[00:10:49] Yeah. 

[00:10:51] Liz Pessaran: Was saying, you know, Sally, this is beautiful. I've enjoyed my time. Hugs and kisses. I'm congratulations by giving yourself permission to not apologize for it and, and really, um, build that self-trust. So, number one, self-trust improve on. To practice hell yeses and held nos and recognizing what I'd say.

[00:11:16] Like the other thing to really start is looking at your calendar. And on your calendar, it's going to look overwhelming. My calendar is terrifying when I look at it objectively, I'm like, who in the heck is this woman? And how does she do her job with absolutely no idea. And so we sat down my family and I all sat down and this is something you can do as a family.

[00:11:41] I recommend. Individually first and then doing it with a partner and then doing it with your family, but like put you first. And first thing to do on that calendar is put the most favorite thing you. The thing that you absolutely love for me, I'm a nature girl. I love gardening. I've got a little hippie soul.

[00:12:02] I need to be out in the woods like that. Something that really sparks me. So on my calendar, the first thing I put for the next month come January is I set days and times for me to go out in the woods to go to this really beautiful garden park that I just love. And those are the first things that are set out for me.

[00:12:22] These are a little bit bigger, but you guys can do things for like, what's just the way you like to make your coffee in the morning. Like put that on the calendar because you're so excited for that Nespresso latte. Like whatever is it. Doesn't have to be big, but it's yours and putting you first. Right.

[00:12:40] Cause I love that when we are whole, we can give more. But when we are caffeine deprived and we had crappy coffee, if we are not feeling the vibe, like we are not starting to stay out strong. Right. We are, we're struggling. So really looking at your calendar, where can you add you first? And then what can you strip?

[00:13:01] Uh, what can you take away? Because we are all doing too much. So where can you take some things away? Where can you add intentional empty space? That 

[00:13:13] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: one and families. That is a good one 

[00:13:16] Liz Pessaran: intentional space. So you put your time first and then the next thing on the calendar is planned nothingness. Oh 

[00:13:24] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: my gosh.

[00:13:25] You know, I have to jump in here really quickly. I, I use Google. And I remember someone there it's so great. It's just easy. Um, but I started to color code things a few years back because I wanted to see like how much of this was me and how much of this was family or this kid or work, or, um, you know, I do volunteering and philanthropy.

[00:13:52] And so how much of it was that? And it was kind of a little bit of a study, but it was definitely regulatory when I'm like, I'm, I'm the green and. Uh, workout twice a week. And then I was not seeing green for long periods of time. It was just a lot of other, other, other other, so your point about being conscientious about putting yourself first, it just, it hit me hard cause I've been there and I'm still working on it.

[00:14:17] It takes, you know, it's a practice for sure. And I love that intentional empty space. I. I almost, I think this goes back to that normalized, um, overwhelmed, but the, I almost see gaps in my calendar as a like, well, what should I be doing? Yes. Right. There is a, there's a gap I need to fill it. So calling out that we sh we, um, it empty space is, is positive and to be embraced and not to kind of run away from it.

[00:14:49] And in fact, see it as. That's a good thing. Um, yeah, I'm glad you put that on my radar. It's it's, it's a, it's a thought perspective shift for me, for sure. Oh, 

[00:15:01] Liz Pessaran: absolutely. It was so challenging for me to do that. Um, I have a go go go kind of attitude. And my family's like that where we're just always running around doing something.

[00:15:12] And so for me, Take a step back and to slow down and to truly just allow there to be emptiness. Um, it almost was anxiety provoking at first because it was uncomfortable because I started to judge myself. Yeah, no. My inner self was saying, no, this is exactly what you need. You need to just relax. This is that trusting your body needs to rest because I believe that we can live hard, but we have to rest hard as well so that we can have space to live hard.

[00:15:46] You can't do, you can't do both. Like you'll just burn yourself into the ground. If you live too hard with no resting. Yeah. So, yeah, so rest hard rest. Well, what, you know, for us, like it's specific days, like I would usually Sundays and it's nothing. We never do anything. Like it's purely relaxation going for walks.

[00:16:08] Eating, whatever food we want. There's just, there's no menu plan. There's no organization. There's no chores. This is another thing. People think that if there's emptiness, there has to be like fixing things like, oh, well I have the time finally. I need to fix that closet. I need to do that thing. Yeah. That's still pressure.

[00:16:27] That's still expectation. And so if you can allow yourself to let it all go just for that day, you'll get that done so quickly. When you have that true energy, like you've given yourself the rest to nourish. Um, so yeah, I challenge everyone to try. 

[00:16:45] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I love that, you know, it's, it just struck a chord on, I, I read something recently about kind of experimenting.

[00:16:53] Like if you have these thoughts and you assume they're true, but you know that you actually don't have any evidence to, to make it so, or to, to prove that then, then challenge that way of thinking, um, by experimenting and like taking. And, um, and see how it feels or, um, so I, yeah, something about what you said, just made me think, like, if you're uncomfortable with this change and you've, you know, you're not sure, like, am I happy resting or what does happiness at rest look like for me?

[00:17:24] And cause it's, it's hard to unwind. It can be so hard to think. This, this quiet time is just another. Should you know what I mean? Like, I think for me, certainly at the beginning of my mindfulness journey and I'm still like ups and downs and always a practice, but gaps in my calendar felt like a problem and empty space meant time to do the things that were just further down the to-do list.

[00:17:50] And that was how I defined happiness for myself or accomplishment on the surface. But when I really took the time to kind of, like you said, loosen and sit and experiment a little bit and play with, you know, if I take an hour to just read or, you know, sit outside and, you know, listen to this podcast, I've, I'm wanting to listen to and not multitask while I'm doing it.

[00:18:13] You know, how does that make me feel? Do I really feel like I cheated other people out of something? Or do I really feel like I'm a bad person? Okay. Testing that testing how you feel and sitting with those emotions before and after you've leaned into leaned outside of your comfort. Um, so I, I love that you're challenging people to do that, to just try and see what happens.

[00:18:36] Yeah. An 

[00:18:37] Liz Pessaran: experiment, everything is meant to, to be tested and to be questioned and what works for you and your family is the best for you and your family. So it doesn't have to make sense to me or anyone else. And when I really soak that in, when I really was able to absorb that, what works for me and my husband and our family, it doesn't have to make sense.

[00:18:58] Our extended family and it doesn't have to make sense to our friends. Like if it works for us, they'll see a better version of us. And that will be beautiful. So we'll be able to have that space for our children and be able to really show them that, you know, mom and dad. Parents are emotionally well, rested and nourished and feeling really good and having their own interests.

[00:19:23] And they have their own defined self that then when they are present with the child, when the child actually sees like, oh, it's okay to be your own defined person. And to. Mom and dad have more patience. They're more, they're more open to me now. Um, when you have that empty space, you can explore what may be something just for you and ultimately how this can help with your overwhelm as it can just decrease it.

[00:19:50] You know, the overwhelmed doesn't necessarily go away fully sometimes because there's, you, you know, you're, if you're a parent to multiple children, like my mom had to manage six kids. Like that's still a lot. And if you can just give your permission to have that space and trust yourself a little bit more and take away, what's unnecessary where you can.

[00:20:11] I think it'll help a lot.

[00:20:16] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I'm getting the strong sense of intentionality awareness, um, and honoring those things that really speak to you. I love that. Just going back to that hell yes. Like I feel like I'm going to tell my 

[00:20:27] Liz Pessaran: kids then say heck yes. Yeah. I just say, I guess, I guess what's a hell yes to you. Anyhow. Yeah. It's so it's so powerful though.

[00:20:38] I think to experience it for yourself. Okay. For your kids to witness it. Yeah, I think it's beautiful.

[00:20:53] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: This conversation with Liz was such a hell. Yeah, for me, I've gotten better over the years at understanding myself and working through things, but I have to actively manage my schedule and talk myself through what I'm feeling. It's definitely a practice and I'll be taking Liz's tips to heart. Here are my key takeaways.

[00:21:14] Number one, overwhelmed for moms comes from allowing ourselves to be defined by labor. And carrying all the external expectations that come along with those number two to work through that sense of overwhelm start with self-trust self-trust is knowing innately what's best for you. That also allows you to show up the best way you can for others.

[00:21:36] Self-abandonment is when you know what's best for you, but you choose not to do it. If you repeatedly act out of alignment with your inner voice, you'll stop hearing it and you'll lose sight of how to stay balanced and. Number three practice asking yourself, is this a hell yes or a hell, no. Start with what you know, to be true and notice how it feels in your body.

[00:21:59] And then notice when you feel that way about other things, use these feelings to guide your choices. Number four, if you set a boundary and step away from something that's making you feel overwhelmed, own it, leave that meeting or event confidently, just know that you deserve to do what's right here.

[00:22:19] Number five, use your calendar as a tool to help you prioritize yourself. Look for where you can add time for you and put yourself first. And then where can you strip down also scheduled time for planned nothingness empty space on your calendar is something to be embraced. You can live hard, but you have to rest hard as.

[00:22:43] And number six experiment with what works for you, what works for you and your family. Doesn't have to make sense to anyone else by standing up for what you know, works best for you and your family. You make it okay for your kids to do that. To learn more about Liz, you can visit her website, Liz Passera and.com.

[00:23:03] That's Liz, P E S S a R a n.com or follow her at Liz pizarron on Instagram. She's also on Facebook at Liz Posera and life coaching. These links are in the show. Thank you so much for listening. We're all making choices with our time and I'm humbled that you're spending time with me. If you're on Instagram, follow at NABI, raise them for quotes and reminders to keep you grounded, informed, and inspired.

[00:23:32] And if you liked this episode, remember to subscribe and share it with a friend and leave a review on apple podcasts. If you can. I appreciate and applaud you for listening and here's to strong women. May we know them? May we be them? And may we be.