How to Get Kids to Open Up // by Ezza Mustaffa

[00:00:00] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Welcome to Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them, a show to help moms stay informed and inspired so they can show up for themselves and their daughters the way they want to. I'm your host Carmelita Tiu. Join me each week, as I cover a variety of topics, all designed to support, mindful, and growth-oriented moms navigating these crucial years. I'll talk to experts, moms who've been there, and read a curated selection of articles with the author's permission, and drop in with my own thoughts on occasion. Most episodes will be under 15 minutes, so it's easy to finish while you commute, take a power walk, fold laundry, or make lunch in the morning.

[00:00:37] Because I know how great it feels to check off a box, especially when you're completing something, you know, is good for you. With that, let's get right into today's episode.

[00:00:56] Today, I'll be reading an article from Ezza Mustaffa, a licensed professional counselor. Ezza received her master's of education in community counseling from Loyola University, Chicago. She works with individuals of all ages and couples, presenting with a wide range of concerns as approaches therapy from a relational, integrative, and multicultural framework with skills grounded in mindfulness-based and evidence-based approaches. Here's her article. 

[00:01:26] How parents can create a safe space for their tweens and teens to open up by Ezza Mustaffa, LPC. As a mental health counselor that works with adolescents, I often get asked by parents and caregivers about how they can create a safe space for their kids to open up and talk to them. As a teen once myself, I know that teens have a way of retracting into their own world.

[00:01:50] It's hard not to when there are so many physical, cognitive, emotional, and social developmental changes happening all at once. I imagine that as their parent, it's difficult seeing them pull away from you sometimes. You'd like to continue to be a big part of their life as these big things are happening in their world.

[00:02:10] But how do you do this? Well, asking that question is a great first step. Research in neurobiology shows that emotional safety is one of the most important aspects in any human relationship, including the one you have with your child. Emotional safety means that members in the relationship feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

[00:02:31] Having a safe space means that your tween or teen feels trustful that their feelings and thoughts will be validated, heard, and understood by you. As a brain nerd, I wanted to take a moment to share the science behind why we need a safe space as humans to share our feelings and thoughts. It's not just a kid or teen thing.

[00:02:52] It's a human thing. When we feel unsafe, that part of our brain called the reptilian brain is activated. It's about the shape and size of an almond, nearly as old as the dinosaurs. And it bears a considerable resemblance to reptilian brains, hence the name. It's the part of our brain that triggers the flight or fight response.

[00:03:15] And yes, it's the same part of the brain that lights up when you're walking home late at night, flooding you with a sense of worry and fear as you navigate your way in a dark alley, ready to jump at every corner at whatever, or whoever might be hiding there. An additional interesting fact, is that our feelings reside in a higher part of our brain that cannot be accessed until our flight or fight response is turned off.

[00:03:41] This means that when our teens feel unsafe, for any reason, they aren't able to open up for fear that they might be shamed or judged, or that they're unable to have proper access to their feelings. This is true for adults too. So here are some practical tips that parents can use to create a safe space for their kids.

[00:04:03] Number one, validate and honor their feelings, hold space for them and their feelings. And keep in mind that emotions are neither good nor bad. They just are. It's important not to minimize or dismiss their feelings, telling your team don't be upset, or don't let that bother you. It doesn't set up a relationship of safety and love, move away from fixing or advising and lean in to reflecting and empathizing instead, try this.

[00:04:35] It sounds like you're having a tough time with that. I would too, if I were in your shoes or I hear that you're feeling really sad. I just want you to know it's okay to feel that way. Sometimes it may seem counterintuitive because you care about them and it hurts for you to see them feeling sad or feeling angry.

[00:04:55] But in the process of telling them not to be upset or not to feel bothered, you end up shutting down their feelings and indirectly communicating to them that their feelings are too much or that their feelings are not welcome. And we don't want that. 

[00:05:10] Number two, ask before giving advice. After your twin or teen share something with you, you can simply ask if they want advice or if they just needed to talk it out. By doing this, you're communicating to them that you're always there as a support.

[00:05:25] And you're also creating a space where they can decide if they're ready to tackle their issue right then, or if they need more time to process it. This also promotes resilience because you're giving them the option to include you in the problem solving process. 

[00:05:43] Number three, use the, did I tell you about the time strategy? I find this to be a powerful technique to build trust and connection with your team by the act of modeling, especially when there's a little bit of that pulling away and shutting out. There's just something about a parent sharing their own struggles, similar to what your teen is struggling with. That reduces the shame and guilt they might be feeling. And that's holding them back from opening up to you. This also models vulnerability on your part. 

[00:06:13] Number four, don't put them on the spot and be curious. This is direct feedback that I've gotten from a few of my tween and teen clients when I asked them what they'd like their parents to do, so they can open up about their feelings.

[00:06:26] They said it helps when they're not asked something really broad and general, like, how are you feeling? Or how was your day? but are approached with casual, thoughtful questions like, what was your favorite part about this afternoon? What's it like going back to school and seeing people again, what are you looking forward to this weekend?

[00:06:47] One of my tweens said to me, I just want them to be curious about me. It's not that I don't want to open up to them, sometimes I just don't know where to start. 

[00:06:57] Number five, accept them for who they are. This doesn't mean agreeing with all their choices or behaviors. They already know that you don't agree with everything.

[00:07:08] They just need and want to know that they still belong. Even if they feel like they've disappointed you. This also means letting them know that they are loved and accepted just as they are. Not once they get better grades, learn a new sport or learn to do their own laundry, to be able to take a step back, appreciate the gifts that your tweens and teens have.

[00:07:33] And celebrate their unique abilities as an individual is an act of unconditional love. There are so many points in this article that resonated with me asking before giving advice. Whew, that's a tough one for me. I just want to jump in with potential solutions. Whenever I hear one of my daughters come forward with a problem. It was a good reminder that sometimes they just want to be heard and you're actually helping them become more resilient.

[00:08:01] If you hold your tongue or if I hold my tongue, I should say, and let them figure things out and decide if and when I should become involved. I also loved the did I tell you about the time strategy? For some reason, I don't have a problem sharing my trials and tribulations and mistakes with my daughters, whether it's when I tripped in front of the entire school, walking onto stage at an assembly or that time when I didn't give myself enough time to pack.

[00:08:32] And I only packed one shoe instead of both shoes in the pair or the times when I've competed for something and didn't win. I like to think that these examples, these stories from my past help humanize me and also help them to realize that the things that seem so tragic in the moment eventually just become part of your past.

[00:08:57] And if you're lucky, you can look back on them and laugh at it. And regardless, it's part of your lived experience, which makes you more human, more empathetic, and wiser. So to recap, the five tips are number one, validate and honor their feelings. Number two, ask before giving advice. Number three, use the, did I tell you about the time strategy? Number four, don't put them on the spot and be curious in a specific way.

[00:09:27] And number five, accept them for who they are. Thanks to Ezza for the wonderful article. And thanks to you for joining me today. A big shout out to you for taking the time to show up for yourself and your daughter by tuning in. I know you have a lot vying for your time, so I appreciate that you chose to spend a portion of your day listening to this.

[00:09:48] If you liked what you heard, please tell a friend and hit subscribe or follow in your favorite podcast app. And if you're on Instagram, follow @knowberaisethem for quotes from wise women, reminders, a few lives here and there with other moms and people with interesting thoughts about raising tweens and teens, and of course heads up on upcoming podcasts.

[00:10:11] Thanks again for listening and here's to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, and maybe raise them.