Ep 058 - Grief, Loss & Parenting // with Shameka Williams

Shameka Williams: 00:00:00

You're going to have to feel the feelings. And most of us don't want to do that because it hurts. Grief will wait for you. Loss will wait for you. It will be on the sidelines until you're ready to deal with it. But the longer you take to deal with the issues, the more it'll have an effect on you as a person.

undefined: 00:00:21

Hello, all I'm Carmelita too. And welcome to season three of know them. Be them. Raise them. Uh, show to help busy, mindful growth oriented moms stay informed and inspired. As they navigate their daughters, tween and teen years So during this break between seasons two and three, I've been busy. A good chunk of my busy-ness was related to building my coaching skills and practice and making progress towards my ICF accreditation. So proud of myself for that. Um, I also continue to work on a community for moms and podcast listeners. That vision continues to evolve in exciting ways. And to stay in the know and get updates or if you're curious about coaching, head to knowberaisethem.com. Uh, you can sign up for my newsletter there and you can follow @knowberaisethem on Instagram. And now let's move on to the episode.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:01:20

Today's guest is Shemeka Williams. After openly dealing with the loss of her mother, Shemeka realized that many others needed support and help dealing with this life changing loss. Being impactful and speaking life into the world became a personal mission for her. And she founded the organization, Those Without Mothers. She's also a motivational speaker who has traveled to various colleges, spreading the word about the importance of caring for one's mental health. She realized there was a major deficit in the mental health field that centered around grief, specifically losing a parent. Determined to help fill the gap. She has continued to present many tools and resources to members of that community that need a helping hand. Although Shemeka has helped those in her community, she's determined to aid those around the world with processing their grief in a healthy manner. Her purpose is her passion. And her goal is to make sure no one has to grieve alone. Here's our conversation. Hi, Shameka. Thank you for joining me.

Shameka Williams: 00:02:26

Yes, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you for having me. It is a pleasure to meet you and be on your platform. Absolutely.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:02:34

I just wish the listeners could bask in the warmth and energy that you exude. I can see it through the camera. Of course, podcasts

Shameka Williams: 00:02:43

you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:02:43

not being a visual, medium. The listeners may not enjoy that, but I'm just thrilled to be sharing space with you today.

Shameka Williams: 00:02:51

Oh, thank you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:02:53

So I'd love to hear a little bit about how you got your start doing the work that you do.

Shameka Williams: 00:02:59

Yeah. So I, I got my start initially when my mother passed away, my mother passed away about I want to say 13 years ago. And when my mom passed away, I went through a season of very destructive behaviors. You know, there was addictions, there were things that I was trying to do to fill the hole that my mother left. And so. Coming from that I learned that there were so many people who were like me who didn't have any support. they didn't know how to navigate this space. And, you know, thank God I was able to kind of get the therapy I needed and get the help that I needed. But one of the things that really helped me was, although I love therapy I found a grief coach and the difference was that they guide you, right? I think therapy is amazing, but I needed somebody that could walk me day by day through what I needed to do to kind of navigate this newness in my space. And because of that I've realized that, you know, grief is not a one size fits all, right? There are different methods for different people. And so, you know, that's kind of where I came from. And then as time went on, so many other people that I love were losing their mothers. And I created kind of like a private thing for us. Like, okay, well, we'll just support one another. But then it was kind of like, no, you can't just do it for a private group. We need to do this publicly. there are way more people that need the support than the people that you know. And so from that day forward when, you know, God kind of dropped it in my spirit, I, I left it and I was like, all right, well, this is what we're going to do. And you know, I've been doing it ever since.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:04:42

I, I love how you took your awareness of your emotional space and shared that with others, you and, and took action. I think a lot of times we folks may see commonalities with other people. and it may stay there, but your calling clearly was to move forward and provide support with a broader audience, a broader community. And really helping to process those tough times, and turning your grief into a catalyst for growth.

Shameka Williams: 00:05:12

Definitely. You can either let it make you bitter or you can let it make you better. for me for a while it did make me bitter. Right. But I realized that I wasn't hurting anyone but me and that is absolutely not how my mother raised me or how she would have wanted me to live. And so I had to stay firm in the fact that I knew better and I could do better. And kind of just how I move forward to help myself grow and move through those, you know, art.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:05:40

Yeah. Well, I love that phrase you just said about you can be bitter or you can be better. you know, when thinking about grief, something that I know you and I are kind of curious about and can chat about today is this idea to have grief, really applying to loss in a number of contexts, whether it's loss of an identity, loss of your particular dream, etc.

Shameka Williams: 00:06:04

Mm hmm. Yeah.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:06:07

kind of coping with grief in other contexts as well. Just speaking from personal experience. I know that letting go of these preconceived notions you might have for your kids. That's something that a number of moms and I have talked about on occasion, these, these tiny goodbyes as they grow into their own people, and the complexities that come with that, you know,

audioShamekaWilliams11486949567: 00:06:28

yeah,

Shameka Williams: 00:06:30

I think that you put it so well, right? You said that you don't expect these things, right? You don't. And sometimes you get disappointed based off of your own expectations, right? So grief is not exclusive to that. It is just exclusive to those things that we lose and that can be yourself that can, we lose ourselves when we became, when we become a mom, right? And. We oftentimes try to get back to that person when we will never be the person that we were before we had children. And sometimes when we have those expectations that, hey, I'll go back to be this person when they're grown up is unrealistic. And then it caused this, this kind of condemnation on ourselves, like, Oh, well, you know, I did bad. I didn't do this. No, it's not that you just you'd never be that person again. And I'm big on transition. Right. Grief is about transition. And in order for you to be able to transition into any space, into any time period in your life, you have to be able to adapt to change. And one of the things that human beings in general struggle with is adapting to change.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:07:40

Mm, mm,

Shameka Williams: 00:07:41

and so what I've learned in my space is that my son is 16, right? And soon he'll be out the house. And he, he used to be a mama's boy, but now I don't even know, you know, I see him when I see him, he lived with me, but you know, they do their thing. One thing that I, I realize is that me holding on to him. It's not gonna help him. It's not. It's not gonna help him be a better person. There are certain, and I had to, like, really talk to some wise people who said, you being super strict or you want him in your sight every second of every day, it's not helping him.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:08:19

mm,

Shameka Williams: 00:08:20

Not just that, it's not helping me. Because oftentimes we leave, when we become mom, we lose our dreams, our aspirations. When really, in reality, we need to be able to show our children that you can be a mom and still have a life. You can be a mom and still take care of yourself because if you're a mom and you're not taking care of yourself, everything else fall everything else. And so we have to learn to take care of ourselves and your identity has to be bigger than your child. And I know for some people that's like, Oh,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:08:50

mm,

Shameka Williams: 00:08:50

no, your identity has to meet when people ask you who you are. It has to be more than just, well, I'm a mom. Okay. And because what happens is then when you're not that, that mom. In the forefront, you don't know who you are.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:09:05

right.

Shameka Williams: 00:09:06

And so it's so important to hold on to pieces of who we are, what we like, what we don't like in the midst of being a great mom. we have to stop placing these expectations on us because unmet expectations equals disappointment. And so we just have to allow ourselves to be who we need to be. And it's going to take time to get a balance. But just trying to figure it out is better than, you know, just sitting in it and just saying, well, this, this is all I am because not way more than that. Way more.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:09:37

Yeah. And it's so true how when you become a mom, especially when they're little, and I think it's, it's sort of endemic to the, the act of raising an infant and a toddler, like they need you for so much. And if that becomes your sole identity, it is a bit dangerous. Because once they start becoming independent, becoming their own people, it, yeah, that, that sense of who am I, how do I function? I can imagine it manifests in different ways. Like you might want to control things more than you should, or you might. Like you were saying, you just sort of lose the sense of who you are and then, I, I am a huge believer in, you know, what's good for you as a mother is ultimately what's good for your kids as well. So if that means self care, if that means pursuing your own dreams, even in baby steps showing up in that way for yourself will ultimately also help your kids become better people.

Shameka Williams: 00:10:33

Yeah. And I think it's also especially because our children watch us.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:37

Yes.

Shameka Williams: 00:10:38

They are, they are sponges. I people all the time, if you don't teach your children, how to deal with trouble, they are going to figure it out on their own and sometimes not in the best ways,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:10:49

mm, mm hmm,

Shameka Williams: 00:10:50

so they need to see you going after your dreams. They need to see you doing self care and taking time away from them for yourself, because then when they get older, they realize it's okay for me to prioritize me.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:11:03

hundred percent, yep,

Shameka Williams: 00:11:04

Right, because

audioShamekaWilliams11486949567: 00:11:05

I

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:11:05

they to see

Shameka Williams: 00:11:07

I, I've seen so many kids like, well, I, I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna, because I watched my mother be a superwoman. She never cried. She never did. And we're, in reality, that's, that's not good. That's not good. So we need to be able to show our children real emotions and what really is happening, you know? And it's necessary. It's necessary for growth for them and for you. Yeah,

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:11:27

And on that point about showing emotions, you know, it brings me back to grief. And when we experience grief, whether it be through loss of an opportunity loss of a friendship, you know, what would you say are kind of the top things to keep in mind or tips for navigating those sorrowful moments? How do we move from that bitter place to a better place? Mm. Mm hmm.

Shameka Williams: 00:11:53

I think one of the main things is processing it. And allowing yourself to sit with it. So often we live in a microwave society now. And so everything is supposed to be fast. Like, I'm gonna heal fast. As long, as long as I just be like, okay, it happened. No, you're gonna have to process it. You're going to have to feel the feelings. And most of us don't want to do that because it hurts. Grief will wait for you. Loss will wait for you. So it will be on the sidelines until you're ready to deal with it. But the longer you take to deal with the issues, the more it'll have an effect on you as a person. And so if you can sit down and say, hey, This is what hurt me, but also in every loss, there is a lesson. So a lot of times, one of my main things I tell people in my grief support group is, Hey, you have to find out what the lesson is, even in this loss. if you don't, what happens is you will repeat the same behaviors when you lose again. Loss is inevitable. You know, they taxes and death is the most sure thing, but loss is a sure thing too. Right. You're going to lose throughout your life. So if you can kind of figure out, Hey, when I lose, I need to process my feelings, but then also use every tip -adapting to change, sitting through it, and then allowing ourselves to learn the lessons that need to be taught. Those things alone can not only help you in your situation, but it can also help you to teach your children how to navigate their own trouble. Because a lot of times, you know, especially in the younger generation now we're using alcohol and drugs and, know, we're trying to fill spaces. Right. A lot of unhealthy relationships, and this is something that I experienced. A lot of my unhealthiest relationships were because I was trying to fill a spot for something that I lost. And because of that, it was destructive. It was toxic. But if had I been able to sit with what happened and be able to take the lessons from it and grow from it, I probably would be much better off, and that that's my suggestion. You have to sit with it, even if you have to say, Hey, I need to take two days. Cry for one day and then figure out, you know, my feelings the next day. That's fine, too. fine, too. You know, so.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:16

In terms of processing, you know, that resonates with me. This idea of you have to figure out, like, take some time to analyze, feeling the feelings and addressing what's my takeaway here? Yeah. Cause you know, I I've heard it said that we gravitate towards what our nervous system thinks is safe.

audioShamekaWilliams11486949567: 00:14:35

Mm hmm. Mm

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:14:36

And sometimes just because it's what we're familiar with, the familiar feels safe. And if our familiar is negative or toxic or, you know, not necessarily good for us, that we'll continue those patterns because they're quote unquote safe. But like you were saying, if we learn from it, then we can take action to move through the discomfort, to use that grief to propel you towards something, towards growth. So, you know, you, you sort of set up this example of feeling the feelings, and sitting with it, and then kind of moving forward, how does someone know whether they're processing or stewing? That's something that I think people, myself included, sometimes grapple with, especially when I look at my kids, I think, you know, are they still processing or are they stewing?

Shameka Williams: 00:15:25

Yeah, if they, you know, I think when we're processing, sometimes, you know, we're kind of in an out of body experience, right? I think sometimes we're really thinking about the entire situation, the entire circumstance. And we're really trying to process What happened and why it happened. One of the things that humans need is a why. I have no idea, When somebody dies, they'd be like, all right, well, tell me how they died because they want to know why they

audioShamekaWilliams11486949567: 00:15:54

died, right?

Shameka Williams: 00:15:55

Because we want to find something to identify with and say, oh, okay, well, they died because they had a heart attack. Well, I didn't have a heart attack, so I'll be okay. if it's else, then maybe I should go get my blood work done because they died this way. We, that's, that's how

audioCarmelita(Cat)Ti21486949567: 00:16:08

It's

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:09

so true. I think about relationships and breakups. People wanna know, why did you And then

audioShamekaWilliams11486949567: 00:16:14

Exactly.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:14

to learn. Yep. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Shameka Williams: 00:16:17

So the thing about it is if you're processing, you're thinking about how it's going to affect your future.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:22

Mm-hmm.

Shameka Williams: 00:16:22

If stewing, it, oftentimes it's just like you're sitting there, you're processing it, but you still are not over the hump of understanding what happened. You're still like, yeah, well, maybe in another world, it could be this way, like, you're, you're still negotiating with yourself about what's happening and, and, how things could have been different. Whereas when you're processing, you understand that it happened

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:16:49

Right.

Shameka Williams: 00:16:50

you know, you're like, okay, it's, it's done. It's, it's the end. Right. Whereas stewing sometimes you go back and forth with yourself. It's this bargaining chip. Like, well, maybe if I did this or no, so that's the difference. The difference is you knowing it's an end and the other is I'm bargaining that it might not be the end or it could be that.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:17:12

Yeah. What, what I'm hearing you say is basically acceptance, right? Where stewing is this refusal to accept that this is an end, that this is something to move forward from. Whereas processing is sort of looking at it for what it was and choosing to move on. Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. That makes a

Shameka Williams: 00:17:33

it's not neither. Neither one is easy. I'm not, I say it like, yeah, just process. No, it's hard. It's hard. It's very hard, but it's necessary for you to grow and I am one of those people that definitely believes everything happens for a reason. So there's something that is preparing you even with this situation as you process to go to the next level in your life, to go to the next level in your purpose. And so it was a lesson that you had to learn so that you could be better prepared for the next lesson. That's why it's so necessary to process.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:18:04

Yeah. And you know, what you were saying about people being wired to want a why, you know, wanting an explanation that makes sense. We want, we want things to make sense. So often we don't have that, right? Like whether it's loss, unexpected loss, why that person or in a relationship, why, why did this person make that decision? Like what? Yeah. So understanding that part of that processing is just accepting and moving on I can see how that's so pivotal and important to really reaching that place of growth. Yeah.

Shameka Williams: 00:18:36

Definitely. It's, it's necessary and it's vital in order for you to really be able to say, Okay, I'm moving through this. And

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:18:45

Hmm.

Shameka Williams: 00:18:46

going to get through this, right. Because otherwise you'll be stagnant. And the longer you're stagnant, the more things pile on top of it, you know, becomes complicated grief, And complicated grief means things just piling on top of it and it gets worse. when you have complicated grief is you literally have to unpeel back back all of those layers. Before you can really deal with the root of the problem, whereas if you're processing when it happens, you're dealing with the root and you're going to pull it up from the root. If you're a gardener, you know, if you don't pull the weeds up from the root, just going to, it's just going to grow right back, but if you pull it up from the root, it's gone. And that's, that's kind of how you have to think about it. Like, Hey, we got to pull this thing up from the root so that it doesn't resurface

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:32

I love that. I love that mental image.

Shameka Williams: 00:19:35

yes, what you don't deal with, it will come back. Okay. And it comes back sometimes unconsciously, it'll come back and you'll be like, Oh, I thought I dealt with it. But then you get in another relationship and now the problems from the other relationship are here because you never process it properly. So, you know, we have to understand that it all, it all comes together if we don't process how we've feeling.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:19:57

Yeah. I feel like we've covered a lot of ground in a short amount of time. I'm so grateful for that. is there anything we haven't covered from the perspective of. Like how you would encourage folks to think about grief ,processing grief, and I, I, I wanna make sure there's nothing you feel is left unsaid.

Shameka Williams: 00:20:16

Yeah, I think the only thing that I would say is that. You, you are enough. And oftentimes when we grieve, whether it's a death or whether it's a loss of a relationship or friendship or even ourselves, right? I know a lot of people, my mom, she passed away from breast cancer and what I found was when she was diagnosed, she lost herself. She lost who she was, you know, before her diagnosis. And I, I just want people to know that you are enough. you are strong enough to move through whatever it is that you lose. Right? But you have to reveal it. What, what you don't reveal, it can't be healed. So you have to move through it, understanding that I have to let this out. Whether through a therapist, a coach, a friend. The longer you keep it in, the more dangerous it becomes to your spirit and to your mind. And grief often leads to mental illness. On my podcast being bipolar, I didn't find out that I was bipolar until I lost my mom because it ignites something in your mind and your spirit that you don't even realize that it's happening. And so I just encourage people to understand that they are not alone and it happened to them, but it also happened for them, And sometimes it's hard to see that. When you're hurting so bad, right. But there was a there's a reason for everything that happens. And sometimes that's why we have to go back and look at those lessons and things that we've been through. It's unfair. The fact that that my mom is gone is unfair, but I learned so many lessons from it. And now I can actually help somebody else. You never go through things just for you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:22:06

Mm-hmm.

Shameka Williams: 00:22:07

You always go through things to also help other people, and some of those people are your children, right? your children need to see you grieve. They need to see you hurt, because they need to know that these are real emotions, and it's okay to feel them. So much of society has told them you don't need to cry. You don't need to feel, just get over it. I had so many people tell me, it's just, you'll be fine, just get over it. You know, and it's just like, I don't think so, you know. So take your time. And, you know, it's sad that we don't give people more time to for bereavement like jobs only give three days. But honestly, you take the time that you need, and you got to choose you. You have to choose you. I actually left a job because I said, no, I have to choose my mental capacity because if I'm not okay, nothing else will be okay. So always choose you, always choose you.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:23:03

Hmm. you, know, I, I typically wrap up each podcast episode asking the guest to share a quote or an affirmation. And I feel like you've just given me like five wisdom bombs already. But on that note, is there any quote or something that you would like to share above and beyond what you've already done,

Shameka Williams: 00:23:23

Yeah, I, I think the only thing that I would say is that sometimes we feel like our prayers, our tears are in vain, but they are not. So every time you cry. Whether you believe in God, the universe, whatever it is. There is someone or something there that is going to lift you because you have suffered. Suffering is inevitable. We know that, but there is an assignment to every tear that you cry and just don't give up on yourself. Don't give up and give yourself so much grace. We are, especially women, so hard on ourselves. hard and please give yourself grace and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel to prioritize yourself. Because that's the only way you'll make it.

undefined: 00:24:16

What a powerful conversation. as humans navigating this journey of life. We invariably deal with change, transition and loss. And we know this intellectually, but in our fast paced world, whether it's hustle culture or capitalism or productivity junkies or whatnot, It sometimes feels like it's a lot harder to find the time to process and reflect on these things and the impact they have on us. On some level I think I used to think of grief. As being reserved for situations involving death. It really wasn't until my divorce and the huge changes that came along with that. But I had to confront laws and recognize grief in a very real way. So. It just makes me grateful for my chat with Shameeka. It was a wonderful reminder that grief comes in all shapes and sizes. And we are strong enough to move through and grow from all of our losses.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: 00:25:13

Here are my key takeaways. Number one. You can be bitter or you can be better. When loss happens to us and it will happen. We can choose how to respond to it and how it will affect us. Number two. Recognize that loss and the resulting grief can show up in a variety of places. We might mourn a loss of identity, the life we used to have, loss of our kids as they become more independent. And of course our daughters deal with the loss too, whether it's losing a game or losing a friend. Loss and grief are not exclusive to death. Number three. Remember that grief is like a weed. You have to deal with it from the roots. It will continue to grow and wait for you. It won't just go away on its own. Number four processing your grief means acceptance and learning. Every loss has a lesson. And number five, what you don't reveal you can't heal. Be courageous and confront your loss for yourself and your kids. If we model emotional awareness and self-compassion in times of grief, we're planting the seeds for our kids to process in a healthy way too.

undefined: 00:26:25

To learn more about Shemeka and her organization. Those without mothers. Visit www those without mothers.org. She also hosts the being bipolar podcast. You can find her and the podcast on Instagram and Facebook. Look for, @thoseewithoutmothers, at Shameeka speaks and that's S H a M E K a speaks also at the being by polar podcast. Also at the being bipolar podcast and at coaching from grief without love. Those links will all be in the show notes as well. So feel free to go there, check that out and find her. Thank you so much for joining me today. A big shout out to you for taking the time to show up for yourself and your daughter by tuning in. I know you have a lot vying for your time and attention. So I really appreciate you choosing to spend a portion of your day listening to me. If you liked what you heard, please tell a friend, hit subscribe or follow in your favorite podcasting platform. And again, Follow at Novi. Instagram for quotes from wise women, reminders, and a heads up on upcoming podcasts as well as coaching offerings, et cetera. Thank you again for listening and here's to strong women. May we know them? May we be them? And may we raise them?