Confident & Grounded Daughters In a Social Media World // with Charlsey Childers

[00:00:00] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Welcome to Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them, a show about raising tween and teen girls to help mindful growth-oriented and busy moms stay informed and inspired. So they can show up for themselves and their daughters the way they want to. I'm your host Carmelita Tiu. Join me each week, as I talk to experts, moms who've been there, and read a curated selection of articles with the author's permission of course.

[00:00:26] Last week in episode nine, we met Charles C. Childers, as self-worth and confidence coach who teaches ambitious women how to cultivate inner peace and live a life free from self-doubt. In case you missed that episode, Charles C. shared her insights into what contributes to low self-worth for women and girls and how moms can show up to help create an environment that allows their daughters to show up authentically and confidently.

[00:00:52] In this episode, Charles C. shares more actionable tips to bolster self-esteem, navigate social media, and set our daughters up for the ups and downs of life. Here's that conversation.

[00:01:08] Charlsey Childers: So a few quick things that we can start doing today, just being more mindful and intentional of–the first solution is to… As many times as you can throughout the day, get in the habit of asking yourself, what am I thinking and how am I feeling in this moment? And when I first started doing this, I would set timers on my phone, you know, different things like that to get myself in this habit.

[00:01:40] Just by asking ourselves this simple question, it expands our awareness to what's going on inside. And it also allows us to utilize our power of knowing that we do have control of what's going on within us. So just by asking yourself, what am I thinking and how am I feeling you can–it'll tell you, you'll start to see patterns in your thoughts and in your feelings.

[00:02:11] And then that's when you recognize your power of okay. I realized that I keep thinking this thought about myself, that I don't have what it takes so that I can't do this. Or that I have excuses. I don't have enough time. You know, if you're, if I'm thinking about this over and over and over again, then that allows me to see my power of–I got to do something about this! And I want to do something about it.

[00:02:32] That's the first one. The second one is to start smiling at ourselves in the mirror. Whether we're working out, getting dressed, smile at ourselves, you know, so much so often we have that, you know, just resting. I'm not going to call it an RBF face because that’s what it is–it’s this resting…

[00:03:06] As moms, you know, I gotta do this, this, this, and this. I gotta leave at this time. I need to brush off. What about this? What about that? You know, it's just like all of these sides. And so when we take the time to just smile at ourselves that I won't get into the, what it does to us biologically but yes, smiling can make such a big difference for us.

[00:03:30] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: That’s such a easy and profound tip because I feel like I've read that research somewhere too, that even if we're not aware of it, there is some physiological response when you smile. I had not thought of that. And I love that idea. 

[00:03:44] Charlsey Childers: Yeah. So just that simple thing, it helps us cultivate that self-love and confidence that we need.

[00:03:52] And then the last simple practical tip that we can do is start doing something every day that brings you joy. As moms, we do so much. We have so much responsibility. We wear so many hats. That we often forget what brings me joy. You know, or we just assume that the things we are doing brings us joy and I promise you that going to the grocery store does not bring me joy.

[00:04:27] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: That is so true. I just want to add that you can default into thinking that the checking off your checklist is what brings you joy, because I definitely was in that space and I, I just love that. You know, you're encouraging that small, those small steps and thinking about what truly brings you joy, giving yourself the space to find–is it sketching for five minutes or just doodling?

[00:04:54] Or I spoke with a mom that mentioned she lights a candle before anyone else gets up and just kind of sits. And, but somehow the center of the candle for three minutes before her kids get up, helps her feel like she’s given herself that time for herself and it never occurred to me that it could be something so small that brings you joy.

[00:05:18] But I love that you're encouraging that and totally validating this idea that it doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be something you think, or that society recognizes as joyful, but figure out like something that brings you joy and, and go for it even in small doses. 

[00:05:36] Charlsey Childers: Yeah, absolutely. Oh, I love that candle example, but she does.

[00:05:40] And it could be if we start our day or even if we're on our lunch break and, or even, you know, I don't know before I kids get out of school. Just asking ourselves, what can I do in the remainder of my day? What can–what is one small thing I can do that brings me joy? It could be taking a right turn instead of a left turn, just because turning rright has a prettier scenery. Just doing something so small, it reminds us that we are important. That we're valuable. That we matter. And in fact, we matter more than the to-do list. We matter more than the checkmarks. We matter, you know, more than just putting food on the table or going to the grocery store. There are other things that, for why. 

[00:06:39] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah. Oh, I'm reminded to the, that book, Atomic Habits. I don't know if you've heard of it, but yeah, James clear.

[00:06:49] And how by even just showing up in this way for one minute that's enough. Cause I think we sometimes put these pressures on ourselves to do like, oh, it has to look big. 

[00:07:04] Charlsey Childers: Yeah, and it’s those small things. 80% of our thoughts are negative 95% of our thoughts repeats from the day before. So if we have one positive thought, then there's a 95% chance.

[00:07:18] We're going to think that same positive thoughts. So if we start inserting the thought of I love this. This is so beautiful. I'm so glad that I took these five minutes of my day, you know, um, the visual that comes to me, if you put a pink sprinkle in a container of black sprinkles, if you add one pink sprinkle a day, well, before you know it it turns into a bottle of pink sprinkles and not black sprinkles.

[00:07:52] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I never would've thought of that, but now I've got pink and black sprinkles in my mind. So I kinda, I think this relates to a little bit of  a shift in question for you, but I, with everything that's going on and what we're hearing about Facebook, you know, hitting the brakes on Instagram for kids, I'm curious how you feel.

[00:08:14] Social media impacts women, moms, girls, you know, does it help or hurt when, if we're trying to overcome these negative thoughts? 

[00:08:23] Charlsey Childers: Yeah, absolutely. I am so thankful you asked this question because I know with the research that came out about social media and just hearing from clients and other people who have struggled with social media.

[00:08:40] And I have at one point too, it's hard. It can be really hard to–it's almost, social media is almost the norm now. And so we always feel like we need to be on social media in order to keep up with Joneses. You know what I mean? But if we're getting on social media and we constantly have thoughts of comparison.

[00:09:05] You know, she's so much prettier, you know, that's really hard. That's really hard. And just my personal thoughts and opinion on that is I believe it depends where you're starting from, when it comes to social media. So it depends where you're starting from and I'm going to use another visual of the story of the three little pigs.

[00:09:28] So two of the pigs, their houses were built on straw and steps and then the other pig built with bricks, right? So if our internal house is built on straw and sticks, which could look like negative thoughts, beating ourselves up, you know, our pain or insecurity, all of the things… Being critical and judgmental of ourselves, then whether it's social media or any other external thing it’s going to, or even a person, it's going to be more likely to blow our house down. 

[00:10:10] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yes. Right it's context. You have to consider the context. 

[00:10:14] Charlsey Childers: Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Whereas if we already have this brick foundation within us. For example, five years ago when I got on Facebook and I was unhappy and I was feeling this heaviness.

[00:10:33] When I saw somebody who looked happy, I was envious of her. I was jealous. I wondered why I couldn't have that too. I wondered what I was doing wrong. You know, I have all of these thoughts and now that I've done my own healing, which–is always the journey. There's always more to be uncovered, but now I do have a stronger foundation, so it's not those same thoughts. 

[00:11:01] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Right. I like the thought of you can't just say social media is bad. It's more that depending on the person, it may affect them differently. Which kind of underscores, I think what you were saying about negative–being aware of negative thoughts. We're not the only ones as moms that have them. It's also our daughters.

[00:11:21] So we have to feed them with positivity. Encourage them, build their self-esteem, so that when or if they stumble, once they're using social media into messaging and things that do make them feel less than, or negative or envious, that they have a strong foundation to lean back against. And it won't impact them as much, like be like the Bad Wolf. I'm sort of putting together these things and it, and it makes sense to me.

[00:11:53] I did read an article not too long ago. I think it was Cool Moms in Tech, which is a newsletter I subscribe to. But nonetheless, she was talking about how we have to also empower our daughters to follow or not follow people that make them feel good or less good about them. So fostering this awareness of how does this make me feel?

[00:12:17] And this goes back to your point too of taking a step back and saying, how am I feeling? How is this making me feel? What am I doing? And how is this making me feel? That if we empower them and we encourage them to really think that through as they're experiencing it, then hopefully again social media doesn't become this Big Bad Wolf that can knock them over.

[00:12:40] It's just what's their, and they’re, they're cognizant about what they're letting into their minds. 

[00:12:46] Charlsey Childers: Yes! Yes! Gosh, this conversation, I'm just so thankful for this divine connection because you are so spot on! Social media probably isn't going away. If anything there’s going to be more platforms created. We have to build our house to where it can withstand hurricane size, Big Bad Wolf with. How can we get to that point? That’s where we want to be. 

[00:13:20] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yes, you're right. Because you're like you said, Facebook is not going away, Instagram, TikTok, they're going to be here in 10, 15, 20 years or some other iteration. There's going to be the new Snapchat, or maybe there's going to be some holographic platform in 20 years that we don't know about.

[00:13:39] So if it's inevitable that it's there, how do we just make it so that you're better equipped? 

[00:13:45] Charlsey Childers: And I love what you brought up. You know, teaching and equipping our daughters to follow and unfollow people based on how they make them feel. And it reminds me of this analogy I heard recently, let's say, you know, our daughter is driving for the first time and she's in New York City.

[00:14:05] When we give her the keys and tell her to have fun and drive off. No, no, we will teach her beforehand this is how you turn on the car. This is how you turn the steering wheel and all of the beautiful components about driving the same thing is true with social media. Teaching her healthy ways.

[00:14:30] Okay. If you're going to be on social media, what about a healthy duration of time. Setting parameters around… Okay, this is the amount of time, and this is how, you know, when there's too much time on social media for, and then I also think with social media, this girl, this girl, this girl is so common.

[00:14:52] This girl, this girl, this girl, but what if instead we use social media for connection and a purpose. You know, what if, you know, okay there are a lot of moms and their daughters who do dances. Maybe that's your thing. Maybe that's your thing. Maybe you guys like to paint together maybe your daughter is interested in playing the piano.

[00:15:16] What if she used her social media account to teach other girls how to play piano, you know what I mean? Giving this platform a purpose. And allowing her really empowering her to bring her strengths and her God-given talents to this thing. 

[00:15:38] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah. So I think that's great advice. One thing I have noticed with my girls, I don't know if everybody would fall into this trap, but it does then become caught up a little bit into the likes cycle. So they they've become adept at these new technologies of editing videos. Then they put it out there and, and then it's, how many likes are there? And I've had to have conversations with them about. Try not to think about the likes because they're algorithms out there and that determined what gets seen.

[00:16:14] And so it has nothing to do with the quality of what you're doing. Just find excitement and joy in the act of creation and then let it go. And I know it's really hard sometimes for them, especially if they've invested a lot of time, but yeah. And just kind of adding on that.

[00:16:31] Charlsey Childers: What a huge, I wish I had learned that lesson when I was ten. First of all, no, we don't want our daughters looking at the likes, you know what I mean? At the same time we can sit with them and those feelings of hey I've had those same feelings too. I even have this feeling. Sometimes this is what I'm learning. That maybe could help you? You know, kind of helping me that we can kind of figure this out together but just having those conversations of doing things for the joy of it and what it brings you and giving to others and serving to others, as opposed to what you're getting.

[00:17:18] Urgh! What a great! That’s a huge lesson. I mean, our daughters are young and to be doing this at the same time and just hopeful that by having these conversations early as opposed to when I'm 30. And I'm already in my career. And I feel like I've been looking through the external my whole life, you know what I mean? That's a really hard spiral to unravel.

[00:17:43] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yes, right when you've been doing it for decades. Yeah, so sitting with daughters as they, like you said, being vulnerable, relating to them, empathizing, I think that's a great tip. Are there other tools or tips that as moms we can try to use with our tweens and teens to help build a healthy sense of self-worth and confidence?

[00:18:07] Charlsey Childers: Absolutely. So the way I think of it is in two aspects or two components. So the first one would be going back to that brick foundation, how do we build that brick foundation? Which I'll give practical tips and examples of, and then the second thing are the tools can we teach our daughters to have in their toolbox to when they do notice someone they're following who is making them feel bad. Or when they do encounter these negative external things, what can they do?

[00:18:41] So going back to the brick foundation, the first one is do whatever we can to where our home is that loving, supportive, place full of guidance and is really that safe place. What can we do? To where our literal home is that brick foundation, it's that place that they can go to return to love, because we all instinctively want to be loved. Believing in them and reminding them that I believe in you, you have so much greatness inside of you.

[00:19:22] Sitting with them, the hard feelings, something that came to me a couple of days ago. The greatest gift that we can give ourselves is the freedom to be ourselves and the greatest gift anyone else can ever give us is allowing us the freedom to be ourselves. And so just allowing our home to be that brick foundation, that external brick foundation, where they are loved, they're supported, they're believed in, you know what I mean?

[00:19:54] No matter what I was not. I went through my rebellious years as a teenager. I made a lot of decisions that I wish I had not made. However, I always knew. That my mom was going to be there. I always knew that I could go home and feel accepted. And I remember specifically a time when I was in an environment I knew I should not have been in. And as soon as I got out and I was able to get home to my mom, I just sighed internally, of course I didn't tell her what was going on. And I still don't know if I ever told her, but internally, just knowing if I can just get home, I can just get to my brick foundation. Then I will know I'll be okay. 

[00:20:46] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Oh my gosh. That's making me tear up. I am. I'm thinking, gosh, I can feel that sense. I've been there. And I also hope that I am that for my daughters. So yeah, I'm sniffling right now. 

[00:21:03] Charlsey Childers: Alright and then the second thing that I talked about, equipping her daughter, the tools in their toolbox the things such as affirmations, journaling.

[00:21:13] One of my favorite things that I've taught my kids is to really let out their heart emotions and their anger. So we love screaming into the pillow. We love, running around our yard and getting our energy. You know what I mean? Just allowing ourselves to fully cycle through, let it out, don't hold it. And then also teaching them and modeling to them grace and forgiveness. Is so, so important. 

[00:21:48] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: It's funny. That last point. I think I can kind of easily be swept under the rug because it's less about what are you giving your kids? What are you like introducing them to? Or pushing on them? Or saying to them? And it's more about how you show up. 

[00:22:08] Charlsey Childers: You're so right. Even if it's days or weeks, you know, going back to our kids and saying, the way I spoke to you or do you remember last week when I was frustrated and angry and I yelled at you and I'm sorry, that's not okay for me to talk to you that way.

[00:22:29] I’m sorry. Will you forgive me? And then, inserting the grace of forgiveness, we don't always have to do it like right in that moment.  

[00:22:38] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah! Thank you for saying that because I’ve felt pressured. Or I think that maybe you sort of hope that, oh, maybe they forgot or maybe it's not such a big deal. Cause we're all just functioning as if it didn't happen.

[00:22:51] But that's kind of how I grew up. There are times when, you know, there was an argument or negative incident and then it just wasn't addressed. And so you kind of moved on like, okay, I guess it wasn't a big deal or I guess we just move on. So I, I love that you're encouraging, even after the fact go back, close that loop and it's fine that it's not in the moment.

[00:23:14] Charlsey Childers: Yes. It might be that the moment that you're thinking about comes from that belief of where that perfection. I need to show up, right. I need to do this the right way. And if we try to go about it in a healthier way, then that’s what matters. We can't control what story they internalize, but we can just do out best. 

[00:23:43] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I'm really sitting with this idea that showing up, however you are at whatever point in time, but addressing it is key. That forgiveness and that grace, and showing up when and how you are able is enough.

[00:24:00] Charlsey Childers: Yes. Oh! This is so good! I love it!

[00:24:12] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: I hope you found as much goodness in this chat, as I did here are the key takeaways. Three ways to start bolstering yourself worth right away. Number one, ask what am I thinking? Being mindful of your thoughts and feelings is the first step to navigating them. Number two, start smiling at yourself in the mirror.

[00:24:32] You'll be amazed at the physiological impact it has. Number three, start doing something every day that brings you joy. Even if it's something small, when it comes to social media and our daughters, remember that where they're starting from matters. Give your daughter a strong foundation of self-worth encouragement and positivity at home.

[00:24:54] Teach your daughter how to understand social media and its pitfalls and to follow and unfollow based on how things make them feel. And three final tips for helping our daughters build their self-worth and confidence. Number one, make your home a place of guidance and safety, where they can return to unconditional love.

[00:25:14] Number two, give your daughters a toolbox of skills, such as meditation, journaling, exercising for stress relief, things that help them manage their emotions on their own. And three, model and teach grace and forgiveness.  This includes owning up to your actions and apologizing for them. To learn more about Charleston you can visit her website, Charles C Childers.com. That's C H A R L E S C C H I L D E R S dot com. Or follow her at Charles C underscore Childers on Instagram. Those links are in the show notes as well. I want to applaud to you and say how much I appreciate you for taking the time to listen and showing up as a dedicated and mindful mom.

[00:26:02] If you haven't already, make sure you subscribe to the podcast, and if you're enjoying it, please tell a friend and leave a review in Apple Podcasts. You can also follow at @knowberaisethem. For inspirational quotes, advice, and more again, thank you. And here's to strong women. May we know them, may we be them and may we be them.