10 Phrases to Empower Your Daughter // by Wendy Snyder of A Fresh Start Family

[00:00:00] Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Welcome to know them. Be them, raise them a show about raising tween and teen girls to help mindful, progressive, growth-oriented, and busy moms stay informed and inspired. So they can show up for themselves and their daughters the way they want to. I'm your host, Carmelita Tiu. Today's article 10 Important Phrases Parents Can Use to Empower Their Daughter, comes from Wendy Snyder. 

[00:00:22] Wendy is a positive parenting teacher and family coach, helping families parent with great purpose and intention by creating healthy, respectful, and cooperative relationships. She is a certified parent educator of redirecting children's behavior or RCB and an advocate for families, a mother to two vibrant children, Wendy has been dedicated to the application of positive parenting in her home since 2009. Wendy discovered the work of positive parenting when she was challenged and overwhelmed with the many trials of parenthood early in her motherhood experience. Through her company, Fresh Start Family Wendy gives parents the support and tools they need to raise their children with firmness, kindness, strong limits, compassion, and empathy. Here's her article.

[00:01:19] Having daughters is such a beautiful combination of gifts and responsibilities. These incredible little women provide us with an opportunity to have the deepest and truest feminine friendship for life and to gift the world with the next generation of strong, compassionate, and driven female souls. But this takes work.

[00:01:39] There's no doubt about it. Harmony between mothers and daughters and the ability to leave them and have them listen. It doesn't just happen. It's a relationship that has to be created and nurtured. Mutual respect can be taught from a young age, empowering both moms and daughters to truly feel like they belong both in our relationship together and in the world.

[00:02:01] Anchoring the sense of belonging for our girls is one of our most important jobs as a parent. Teaching our daughters that they belong in a world that often fills them with oppositional messages can be tough. So empowering them is key. When looking to build our girls up, commit to empowering them, to develop their voice, believe in themselves, stand up for what they believe in, lean into their desire to feel powerful, love themselves, trust their gut, chase their dreams, be firm with their no’s, be respectful and persistent in their stand against injustice, seek peace in the areas they see a need, allow their emotions to guide them, trust their heart that vulnerability is good, always believe in their innate goodness, allow empathy to guide them, use their hearts to freely give compassion and have confidence that they can create any kind of life they choose.

[00:03:02] Consider using these phrases with your daughters to empower them to lean into the strength, kindness, vision, and power they each hold. Number one. I love you no matter what. Take a break from be good today. Or if you're good, you'll get extra hugs tonight. Instead, for example, say, I want you to know that I love you no matter what. You will always and forever have my unconditional love no matter what.

[00:03:33] Unconditional love is at the core of positive parenting and means that our love for our kids does not depend on the level of good behavior they have. Rooting our parenting and unconditional love is essential to building strong, confident girls, trust that your daughters are good all the time. No matter what mistakes they make or challenges they face each day. Feeding this truth into our girls, pours into their need to belong.

[00:04:00] Which is a key motivating factor that Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, grandfather of positive parenting, helps us understand–is underneath kids behaviors, remove conditions and lean into unconditional love, even amidst imperfection, and tough days, or stages of life. Number two, you are absolutely beautiful inside and out.

[00:04:25] Take a break from, you look so pretty in that. Instead say, I love you in that dress and you are absolutely beautiful inside and out. Your heart is just as pretty as your gown. The world will give our girls plenty of messages that their beauty is all about what's on the outside. So let's be sure to remind them often how true beauty comes from within. Confidence, kindness, optimism, compassion, these traits, radiate beauty from the heart in the most powerful ways.

[00:04:57] Show your girls female role models, such as Malala, Bethany Hamilton, and the 2018 Olympic women's hockey team. And explain how each of these women represents deep beauty. Number three, you are strong and you've got this. I'm here to support you. Take a break from, I'll talk to that. Girl's mom. It's not okay for her to treat you like that.

[00:05:21] Instead, for example, say, it sounds like you don't like the way your classmate is treating you. How will you let her know that you'd like her to be kind to you? You're strong and you've got this, I'm here to support you. In order for our girls to feel empowered, to solve their own problems. It's essential that we let them try. Resist the urge to do it for them, rescue them, or always give the answer, allow them to be stretched, so that they can find courage and seek to use that courage in their life.

[00:05:49] Support them by being by their side, but allow them to use their voice for peaceful conflict resolution and to initiate change. Number four, how do you feel? Take a break from, oh, don't cry. It's okay, honey, don't worry about it. Everything's fine. Instead. Say, how did you feel when that happened or I can see your brother has upset you.

[00:06:14] How are you feeling and how will you take care of yourself to feel better? Feeling and processing emotions fully is essential for our girls to develop emotional strength. As parents, it's important to know that emotions are neither right, nor wrong. They just are. Teach your girls that emotions are good. And that identifying how they're feeling will help them take action to feel better communicating that emotions such as sadness, anger, and hurt, contribute to the wholeness of life is important to help our daughters embrace all emotions. Resist the urge to fix when guiding your girls and expect some level of messiness. Lean into the power of listening, which will guide your daughters to find their own solutions. Number five, gosh, I love my fill in the name of the body parts.

[00:07:06] What's your favorite part of your body? Take a break from, urgh, this stomach. I need to lose some weight. Instead say, gosh, I love my strong legs and how they were formed from my 15 years of springboard diving. They're my favorite part of my body. What's your favorite part of your body and why do you love it? Teaching our girls to focus on one thing they love about their bodies.

[00:07:30] Instead of telling them they need to love every inch of themselves, take the pressure off. Having a quote unquote perfect body image. Allow your daughters to express negative emotions about their bodies and resist the urge to make them wrong for their feelings. Instead, guide them to find one thing they love and empower them to put that at the top of their mind.

[00:07:53] Number six, oh yeah? Tell me more! Take a break from you should do this, or, well, no wonder that happened. You shouldn't have fill in the blank instead of say, oh yeah. Tell me more. How did you feel? What happened? What did you do when the teacher said that? I'm here to listen. Developing a strong ability to listen intently to our daughters, empowers them to find and use their voice.

[00:08:20] It also allows them to express themselves freely and fully instead of being interrupted or rescued. When our daughters know they have a parent who will listen without always trying to fix them, they'll open up more, learn to trust their voice, express their feelings and communicate effectively, both with us and in the world.

[00:08:39] Number seven, how can you be a light in this situation? Take a break from, stop being mean I refuse to raise a mean girl. For example, say friendships with other girls can be really challenging. How can you be a light in this situation and use your kindness to solve the problem? Girl relationships can get sticky and messy.

[00:09:04] Take a break from using the term mean and instead fill your daughter with the truth about who she really is. Kind, good, loving, funny, resourceful, creative, caring, and smart. Guide her to see creative ways to use those strengths, to solve problems with her friends, her classmates, siblings, and you. Supplementing this phrase with a lesson on peaceful problem solving is always a great idea.

[00:09:28] Teach kids to take turns using a win-win exercise. Like, I feel, fill in the blank and I want, fill in the blank. Number eight, you have a strong desire to feel powerful and that's good,. Take a break from don't be so bossy. No one likes a bossy girl, or why can't you just listen, you always push back on rules.

[00:09:51] What's wrong with you? Instead say you were gifted with a strong desire to feel powerful, and that will make you an incredible leader. You need to practice expressing yourself with respect though. So let's try that again. Or, you have a strong desire to be in charge and that's a gift. Can you try asking your friends to play the game your way, instead of telling them what to do?

[00:10:15] Sheryl Sandberg, Chief Operating Officer of Facebook writes in her book, Lean In. I want every girl who's told she's bossy, to be told instead that she has leadership skills. What a gift it would be to mentor our daughters on how to see this need they have to seek power as good. Instead of something that makes them unattractive or bad. Encourage your daughters to find ways to feel powerful in respectful ways and how to lead with integrity.

[00:10:44] Number nine, how will you be the change you want to see? Take a break from, stop complaining about it. It will never change. Or those girls are mean don't be friends with them. Instead, you could say, I can see that you don't like the way these kids are acting. How will you be the change you wish to see? How can you respond to them in a way that you want them to follow suit?

[00:11:08] Empowering our daughters on how to influence others with integrity, fills them with the capability to create positive change in their peer groups, schools, community, and even their own families. Teaching our girls how to continue acting with kindness, compassion, self confidence, grit, determination, and respect even when others aren't, helps to develop strong character and high self-esteem. 

[00:11:34] Number 10, I am not okay with fill in the blank or I'd like you to fill in the blank, take a break from, you need to stop that. Or you should listen more to what I say. Instead, for example, say, I'm not okay with you using your hands to solve problems with your brother.

[00:11:53] I need you to take a pause, then use words to peacefully resolve your problem with him. Using I statements and taking responsibility for our own emotions and desires teaches our girls to do the same. It also mentors our daughters to ask for what they want versus telling people what they don't want, which increases the rate at which others cooperate with them.

[00:12:15] Raising daughters who use I statements to own their choices, wishes, dreams, and goals helps to create a future generation of women who blame others less and take control to create the life they want. Instead of waiting for others or outside circumstances to provide the way there are so many good recommendations in this article.

[00:12:36] I feel the need to recap them right away. So the 10 phrases are number one, I love you no matter what. Number two, you are absolutely beautiful inside and out. Number three, you are strong and you've got this. I'm here to support you. Number four, how do you feel? Number five, gosh, I love... And then name the body part, your own body part.

[00:13:03] What's your favorite part of your body? Number six, oh yeah, tell me more. Number seven, how can you be a light in this situation. Number eight, you have a strong desire to feel powerful. And that's good. Number nine, how will you be the change you want to see? And ten, I am not okay with fill in the blank or I'd like you to fill in the blank using I statements.

[00:13:34] All of these resonated on some level, either I've lived through situations or there have been other episodes where we've discussed particular aspects. The three that particularly resonated are, gosh, I love my legs or, gosh, I love my hands. I hadn't really thought about how trying to speak in generalizations about, you should love your body, may overemphasize this desire to be perfect.

[00:14:00] And maybe you set them up for unrealistic expectations, which then creates some dissonance with the emotions they actually feel. So I remember reading this at one point and saying to myself, I'm going to talk more about like how strong my, my legs are especially after working out. Do you feel just super amped.

[00:14:20] But where I fell short is asking them what their favorite part of their body is. And getting that dialogue in place is important as well. The other one, you have a strong desire to feel powerful and that's good. I don't think I've ever spoken that in such a direct way. I certainly encourage my girls to speak up and to share their opinions, but in moments when it does start to border on perhaps on a level of assertiveness that I might not be totally comfortable with acknowledging that in that moment, it's not all bad that the desire to feel powerful is good. That is a perspective shift for me. And I'm definitely going to sit with that and process it a bit to see how we can incorporate that more.

[00:15:08] I also loved number 10, I am not okay with that. Or I'd like you to fill in the blank, whatever it is that, that you want. I know that. My daughters and I are good at articulating what it is that we'd like to see work out differently. I'm just not sure how often I encourage them to say, I'm not okay with that versus making it this impartial third-party thing.

[00:15:34] That's not fair. That is wrong, versus I am not okay with that. It's kind of a nuance that I will be more conscious about. And I like Wendy's encouragement saying how daughters who use I-statements to own their choices, et cetera, end up blaming others less and taking more control of creating the life they want instead of waiting for others to step in or waiting for the circumstances to magically align.

[00:16:01] I hadn't really thought about how the words they use and I statements could really help put that into play.

[00:16:11] I hope you're excited to talk to your daughter and use these phrases after today's episode. A big, thanks to Wendy Snyder for her insights and setting up these phrases in a succinct and easy to understand way. To learn more about Wendy and a Fresh Start Family visit www.freshstartfamily.online.com.

[00:16:32] She's also on Instagram @freshstartwendy, and there's a podcast, The Fresh Start Family Show that you can tune into. Those links are in the show notes, along with a link to her free guide, raising strong-willed kids with integrity. There's also a free class you can take on power struggles, just go to her website, register there and you can attend the next session.

[00:16:54] Thank you for listening. I really believe that by listening and leaning into learning about ourselves, parenting, and the issues facing women and girls, including our daughters. We are empowering them and changing the world bit by bit. If you found something helpful or insightful in the episode, remember to subscribe to the podcast, tell a friend and follow @knowberaisethem on Instagram.

[00:17:18] And as always here's to strong women, may we know them, may we be them, and may we raise them.